The walk was amazing. Just wanted you to know. It was so cold at first and I was all alone... and I thought about turning back. But, it was so much fun! It was dark and I walked to almost the end of the street... to another street (which I don't want to say because I feel like stalkers could read this) and there is an amazing view. Seriously. I just wanted to stand there and look at the city... but I kept walking. God is just so good. I can't even describe the emotion that is attached to that statement. There is just something awesome about spending time talking to God and being thankful for the places He puts you. I am blessed. So so so blessed. I felt at peace... there was just something about it. That feeling... that feeling that I want so badly for everyone in the world to understand. Ohhhh so good.

smack

I'm thinking about going for a walk. A prayer walk maybe. This neighborhood is full of walkers and I might just become one. Granted, most of them are older or younger... with strollers or almost to the years of walkers and canes. But, maybe I'll break the mold. I actually despise them a little. I have to watch for them so I don't hit any with my car. If that were to happen to anyone- nailing someone with their car- it would be me. I don't look... I just reverse. Hmm.

Drove by the old street today on some errands. It hasn't hit yet. Maybe it won't.

Things are strange all over the place. This house. My old friends and where they're at. My new friends and who they are. The boys that like me. The boy I like. The apathetic school semester being over. How insanely reliant I've been on God. How things have a million different ways they could go. Boxes and unfinished walls. A new year starting soon. Curiosity.

Sometimes I wish I didn't know exactly what I wanted.
Other days that's an entirely different story.
Surprise me.

really now...

This is my first real day here. I vacuumed my old house today. It felt empty and alone. It was cold (something that I won’t miss). I felt like I was cleaning someone else’s home. I guess that’s a good thing; a weird but good thing. Last night was hard for me. I’m getting sick and I was exhausted… which doesn’t help things. I probably shouldn’t think about the old house at all. Besides that, I just wanted to be with him. I know I said I am happy to be doing this on my own; to know that I can do this on my own. But, I still wanted to call him. I wanted to be held. I know that sounds so silly. Like I need to be held, right? Like he would even hold me?! It makes me mad that I even think things like that still. I think it would have made me feel better though- to be snuggling. Instead, I was in my cold bed with a headache in a room that isn’t mine. Soon my room will be ready and things will start seeming normal again. But today, things aren’t normal for me. I’m tired of this adventure; thinking that things will be easy. I’ve had a good attitude about moving even though everything inside of me is scared and screaming that I don’t want to do this. I know that it’s something that I need to go through. I just never pictured it being this way… with my parents… and all my things in boxes for weeks… and my brother not wanting to be in the same room as me… and a house that is half-way finished. It has been fun at times though, don’t get me wrong. I just pictured moving in with girls or getting married before I ever left that house. Hah! Really though, I’m not as unhappy as I’m leading you to believe. But, I don’t even want to walk in the kitchen barefoot. I don’t even know where I could find a spoon. Or a pair of socks. My feelings about the idea of something new keeps changing. But, like I’ve been told, it’s good for me. People do this- they move and survive. I’m pretty sure I will. But… just pretty sure. I might not. I might decide to break into my old house and take over my old room. I would probably get arrested! Fitting, I’m listening to a song that says “I can’t make it alone, I want to come home.” That was completely unplanned. I haven’t heard this band before, but it was an amazing present that my boss gave me! Just a part of the music he gave me, which is pretty awesome. It definitely was one of my favorite Christmas presents.
Well, hopefully my mama gets home soon so I can check my grades and my e-mail (something I haven’t been able to do for the last few days). She has the Ethernet cord that I need in the back of her car. Whatever that is… haha… I wish I knew more about computers… I can usually figure things out though… I just don’t the terms… like Ethernet. To me, it’s just that cord that I need. Hopefully the wireless will be running soon. My throat is killing me. Just wanted you to know. And now, I’m just complaining. Although there is a lot to complain about... I shouldn't. I've already done enough of that in this blog.

We're close to a donut shop. My brother gave this one to me... even though he didn't have to... it's one of the nicest things he has done in the last few days. This picture is pretty bad. But... this is the most set-up I've done in this room... donut.... cd player clock connected to my computer... nightstand with my notes on the side... the lamp that makes my room glow... I love that glow...

Random picturas

If I could remember why we thought this mustard was so cool I would tell you.
I celebrated being 21 that night.
Not that it makes not remembering things ok.
Or looking really horrible in pictures ok either.

I stole that glass I am holding.
I don't think I was sly about it either.
It was a birthday present to myself.
That still doesn't make it a good thing
or a right thing.
I don't condone stealing.
Apparently my mother has stolen a lot of glasses from places in her wilder days.
Hah.
Something I found out after taking the glass home...
like mother like daughter maybe?

Speaking of my mother...
this is her.
She's pretty.
You can't tell so much in this picture because she is far away.
This will be my brother's room
...and my room for a few weeks.
Oh, the fun that will be
:)

The red wall.
The future living room.
The future flooring.
Do you see that funky cone looking light?
It will be mine.
I've claimed it.
It's vintage circa 1960.
Maybe.
It's old.
And mine.

Tingly feet. Ouch!

I picked out my bedroom colors today! I am painting the wall behind my bed blue (second from the left in the picture). I could explain to you exactly what I am going to do with my bedroom... but I think it would totally bore you... whoever you may be. So... you'll just have to wait to see it :D But... I will give you a sneak peek of the awesome bird stencil that I am putting by my window. It's a little weird, I know. But, I have an idea... and when I have ideas they usually turn out okay... when it comes to decorating :D

This is my bathroom. Well, my future bathroom. My job today was scraping off sticky and smelly wallpaper. It takes a really long time. But, I felt like I was being helpful... and now I know how to do it and don't want to ever again... and I got to make a big mess and get wallpaper glue all over myself. That's something you don't get to do everyday! :D
[click here for fun notes about this picture]

This getting ready to move thing is quite crazy. I don't think that my family does it quite like any other...
we demo things and build new walls and do other things that I don't even know the names for. But, today was more fun than I thought it would be. And... I always pictured myself moving and having that boy with me. But, he's not... and I'm excited knowing that I'm doing this on my own! Woooo! Well, of course I'm not really on my own... but in that aspect of life.... I am! It isn't so bad at all... even if.... things could be different.
:D

The view.

themeless

move move shake shake now drop like your momma said.
I'm guilty. It's bad, I know. Strippers? But... I just like the move move shake shake drop part. These are top secret things you get to find out when you read my blog; courtesy of me. I try not to listen to music that's dirty if I can help it. It really does change the way you look at the world.

Anyways...

I'm ready. That's what I'm saying... but I will leave that for another time.
But, here is something for you this time.


There are so many serious things that I think about as far as dating goes. You know, those important things like loving God and being responsible and reliable; those scary things for guys to hear but that girls could talk about forever. Well, I want an adventure. Of course all of those things are important and I won't settle for less than I deserve. But, life isn't a burden. I won't settle for that. Not at all. Life is so fun and beautiful and hidden with surprises and things to be explored and loved. How I wish everyone could see this! I smile at the expectations that I have. They're good ones... that I've forgotten in the moment at times... but still remain... *smile*

I'm being pursued by a boy you could say. I'm not interested, at all. But, it makes me think about how God pursues us. How, like this boy, God wants to talk to us every day. He wants to tell us how much he likes us. He even tells us how intriguing we are. He wants to invite us to meet with Him; to relax with Him. And, even when we don't want to respond, He still does. And, like any nice pursuer, God doesn't force us to pursue Him back. Sometimes we don't. But, He still goes after our hearts. He still chases us. I can sing praises to Him for that! He is just so good. I'm so happy He loves me this much... and so happy that He is the one I want to be pursued by.

My best friends amaze me. I love them. I just walked around Barnes and Noble with Lizzy. We've been doing this forever. Since we met, really. We don't buy anything. Well, we usually don't. We just look at books and talk about things. Sounds boring, right? It so isn't. It's just one of those things that make me love our friendship. Off subject, I love journals. They are my favorite thing. If I had to choose a favorite thing that would be it. I'm very particular. This is the one I like that I saw tonight.

goodnight.

Sweet Release and Sweet Honey Nut

All I need now is a big comfy chair. And maybe a cup of chai tea. Ohhh, this life is full of sweet surprises. That is my word for the day: sweet. That's just what today has been... perfectly sweet... in silly little ways.
I have a million things to stress about and I could list them here but I think that would take away from my day. So, I won't. Oh, where should I start? I've been praying about a lot of things, but one thing in particular that I have felt so burdened with. I've asked why. I've stressed. I've worried about it. I've thought about it. I've analyzed it over and over. But, today I have been released! Yes, sweet release! It's something that God didn't pry from me or rip from my heart. But, He gently and so subtly showed me that it wasn't what I want. And, although I've asked for Him to take it away everyday for a long while, I wanted to let it go. That's it. I just wanted to drop it and not pick it up again. Of course my desires haven't gone away completely, but it wasn't something that I was thinking... "God, seriously... if you want it you can have it, but I reallllly want it and that's not very nice of you to take it." Instead, I was thinking, "Yes God! You're right! I don't want this!" It was a surprise even to me. Thank you God. I'm hoping tomorrow I will feel the same way. Hehe. Release! Yes! :D
I went Christmas shopping with my mom and we came across everything we needed. I'm getting awesome presents too! Everyone in my family chose a name, something we've never done... but we're mixing it up. My mom chose me. AND- I'm getting a Harry Potter book. I know that I'm not supposed to know, but I was with her. I chose my dad. I found what he asked for which is actually something that isn't easy to find. So, that was great! Christmas this year will be the last at this house and it will be bitter-sweet. I am going to try to make it more sweet than bitter though.
And, last and possibly least, the boy in which I met who I don't know at all called me his sweet honey nut cheerio. Oh, what he doesn't know is that I absolutely hate little corny names like that. And I'm not his. But still, it emphasizes my word of the day: sweet!

Seeking

Last night I was lying on my bed listening. Sometimes, I just want to listen because I miss the call to do that so often. I search so hard for answers by prayer and reading but I forget to listen. I think it's hard because it seems like God doesn't always speak to you when you set aside time to listen... the things that speak go somewhere along the line of this: "Oh, I forgot to call so-and-so back, hmm, I wonder if my sister had fun on her trip, maybe I will pass that class if I ace the final, hmmm, oh wait... I'm listening...". It takes a lot to listen. Well, I can successfully say that I listened and God spoke. My to-do list didn't. I had this crazy vision-like thing. I'm not good at the God-terms for things like this. Visions and intercessory and prophesy are all terms that sound so big and scary. Anyways, I had this vision/feeling. I saw myself lying there... searching and broken and needy... and there was a string that ran from my heart to God's. Wherever God was I assume. Somewhere up. Which is a funny, almost a childish thing to say- that God is up. But, in this instance He was up. That's where He was. He was showing me that we were attached. That my heart was tied to His. That He was feeling what I was feeling. That He was feeling it because He loves me. That my heart is His. It was incredible. I know it probably doesn't sound like it, but it really was incredible. It spoke amazing things to me about what I've been struggling with lately. And it was good. It pulled my heart- that string of His. And now that I think about it, that's probably why He was up.

Things to do

I end up being boring sometimes. I don't try to be. These are some things I want to do over Christmas break:
-Make a scarf for a friend. A certain friend in particular that I've owed a scarf to for quite a few years.
-Paint what I was thinking about the other day- something much more of my style compared to the last. Techniques can be for something else. Sign up for a painting class at adult ed. too!
-Read at least one Harry Potter book. I just don't have time to... and now I will... well... after work. Also, finish Captivating. Amazing book. And finish Healing for the Heart (also amazing- all about women in the Bible).
-Decorate my new room after the move. I already have it planned out in my head. That's one great thing about moving- I get to play interior designer... oh a passion of mine. People probably think I'm crazy for being so excited about it.
-Get a membership to the gym... I want those abs. enough said...
-Work and save money. Yes!
-Quit something. Something that it just too secretive as of now to say on this very public blog.
-Register for classes that are going to be spectacular. I'm planning on kicking some SDSU butt when I start in the spring. Spring is always a good time to do that :D
-Hide those secret notes all over San Diego. I've been wanting to do that.
-Look into studying abroad and do it. I'm hoping this summer. It will be my last summer to... so weird, huh?
More ideas to come...

Moving

My room is freezing. It's empty. Well, almost. My shelves are packed... my bookshelves... and my nightstand... and pictures and candles and little things.... and well... I guess that's it. But, it seems empty. Little things make me feel good and now there are just big brown boxes and plastic containers. Oh, and journals. It's exciting to be able to pack everything. I'm more excited than I thought I would be! But, after I finished off box #14 (they're small) I realized that I wasn't going to be unpacking anything back on my shelves. I will have new shelves and a new room with new paint. It's good. A little scary... seeing as my room is the only one I've known. A lot has happened in that room. I remember spilling mint chocolate chip ice cream in the corner when I was little and not telling my parents because I thought I would be in trouble. I put a trash can over it. They found out. Anyways, I've done a lot of monumental things in that room; things that are more important than spilled ice cream. But, it's going to be a new phase for me... this moving thing. And maybe someday soon I will really be able to move out... not just move elsewhere. Oh, patience is a virtue. Well, life has been changing and I'm going with the flow. There isn't any other way for me to go :D

Agony.

It's the second night of not being able to fall asleep. I've tried it all. I brushed my teeth. I washed my face. I put on those fuzzy socks that make me feel better. I've read my Bible. I've prayed. I've journaled. I've listened to that worship song I like so much. I've squished my head into my pillow and I've bent myself in every possible position and still no sleep. And then that sweatshirt that usually brings me comfort started to feel like it was strangling me. That was the pivotal moment in which I knew I wasn't going to fall asleep any time soon... because I started to imagine scenarios and what-ifs. This is never a good sign for peaceful sleep. The what-ifs always lead me to those things that I could have done differently. But, really, would they have made a difference? Maybe. And then the questions bombard me and I become upset. How long will I have to wait? Will he ever realize what could be so good? Have I not listened to God? Will He give me more than momentary joy? Yes. Yes is always my answer. But how long will this trial last? When will that normal feeling come back? How can I experience so much of you one day and hardly anything the next? What should I have learned when this happened or that happened? When will I see your promises fulfilled? And the questions continue... sometimes repeating... but usually new ones that tick away at the precious time I have to rest. That precious time that I shouldn't be worried about such things.

(Picture from girlhula)

*sigh*

In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps. Proverbs 16:9

I'm discouraged. I guess that happens sometimes. I finished this painting and no one really liked it. I'm sure that happens sometimes too. I did this one a little bit different than the rest... not so planned and sketched. I did look at a picture... but I didn't want it to be a paint-by-numbers deal. I don't like like the borders at all. I think I will paint over them. someday. But, for now, it's in my closet... because I don't even want to look at it. I'm afraid that I think that I have a talent for painting when really, I may not.

These are my thoughts on this painting. I feel like the top image describes this ideal that the world has. That sometimes we think (girls particularly) that we need to be a certain way... we need to look perfect, we need to focus on a goal, we shouldn't ever slip up, we need to meet the requirements. We try. And then there is the bottom image... where you can see that the girl has fallen and her dress doesn't lay perfectly... and she's running. And I think this is more realistic... and my life relates. I can't really say too much more about it. Well, I could... but I would rather you think about it yourself. I like the bottom image better. Maybe because I feel like it's brokenness that God uses to shape your character... not to sound depressing. It's a good thing.

The End.

My mom thinks that I let people hurt me. She thinks a lot of things. I think it's a funny thing to say. Why would I let people hurt me? She says that I need to guard my heart. Maybe I just don't know how to do this completely. Sometimes I feel like it's my responsibility to pour my heart into everything and everyone... that it is a way of loving other people. Most of the time I'm not conscience I am doing this. I strangely think that by not revealing my heart I am being selfish. But, I know this isn't true. Instead, I'm protecting myself. Maybe the way I have been living is leading me to vulnerability, keeping me open to being hurt. I've risked what is precious to try to benefit other people. And when it doesn't (because I, alone, can't be what makes someone happier) I feel rejected, unworthy, and incapable. But really, I think I start off with good intentions. I don't necessarily have my own interests on the line. I think I'm just compassionate... which isn't a bad thing. But, maybe I need to care about people without letting my heart be too involved. I've given myself away- shown my heart too much and too many times, only to be broken later. And maybe, this is what it really means to have a broken heart. My heart hasn't just been broken by relationships, it has been broken by people. By friends and boyfriends and family and expectations. I've allowed this to happen without realizing it. So, I think I need to wait for that safety. I need to wait until I know my heart is safe with whoever sees it. With that said, I think this is temporarily the end of this blog. I may change my mind later. I tend to do that a lot. But for now, the end has come.

Also, I bought 3 new books today: A Woman and Her God, Healing for the Heart, and Captivating. I love new books!

God is poetic.

Nothing is impossible with you. You will give me the desires of my heart. But, this heart is guarded because it is the wellspring of my life. And so I ask of the love I aspire? You say, Daughter: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires. So I wait. For you told me, wait for me, be strong, take heart, and wait for me. You have become my strength and my shield and I am helped. You have not given me a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love, and of self-discipline. But, I ask, what is this spirit? It helps me in weakness and intercedes with groans that can not be expressed. How great you are that your understanding has no limit! So, I will trust in you with all my heart, and lean not on my own understanding. I will acknowledge you in all of my ways. And you say to me, blessed are you who has believed that what I have said to you will be accomplished. And not one of your promises has failed to be fulfilled!

Luke 1:37
Psalm 37:4
Proverbs 4:23
Song of Solomon 8:4
Psalm 27:14
Psalm 28:7
2Timothy 1:7
Romans 8:26
Psalm 147: 4-6
Proverbs 3:5
Joshua 21:45

Pretty!

186: 8.4.07
Originally uploaded by girlhula

Aren't these flowers amazing? I think so :D Another photo from my favorite flickr friend Andrea...

Future

The problem isn't that I don't know what I want to do with my life. Well, that is a little bit of the problem. The dilemma lies in all the things that I want to do. I don't have any sort of direction about what I should do when I graduate. But, I have a peace about it because I'm positive that God has me right where He wants me. I hate to be one of these types of girls, but ultimately, I can't wait to get married and have kids. Don't freak out yet... I am absolutely not ready for that point in my life... but eventually... I hope that happens. This is not the only thing that I want though. I want to learn to paint better. Maybe I will start taking classes. I also want to decorate houses for people, it is something I like doing... even if being an interior designer isn't my career. But, I also like the idea of owning a cafe. I have no idea how to make coffee (haha), but I would sell cupcakes and bake blueberry muffins and pumpkin bread. I would cover the walls with inspiring artwork and play music that hits the spot. You know what else would be so awesome? I would totally love to choose the music that goes in TV shows. I know it's a weird thought... but how amazing would it be to have that job?! I like teaching too... which is probably my most realistic goal... although I'm not as passionate about it as other things. I want to travel too. Of course, everyone wants to travel. I would like to spend some time cruising through Italy, laying on the beach in Greece, feeding kids in Africa (I have more selfish reasons that you would think), maybe exploring Australia, and speaking my broken spanish somewhere in South America. Oh, the rain forest also! I've always wanted to see the rain forest! Well, anyways, I could spend all day dreaming of the possible things I want to do with my life. No direction, you see? But, I'm right where I should be. My future holds something amazing... I know this to be true. It's exciting and scary at the same time :D

Beautiful

I've been stuck on this word lately: beautiful. I know why... but it doesn't really matter. It's one of those "I think about you when I look or hear anything" type of things. Well, anyways, I was looking through pictures on deviantart.com (which is a little hit or miss) and I came across this picture. I like it. Maybe this is because my blog is titled, "More than a Post-It" and also because of my newly formed obsession with the word beautiful.
Almost a month ago, while I was driving, I was thinking about the phrase, "You are beautiful." It gets me. I was in one of the moods... the type where you don't want to be strong and instead feel sorry for yourself. (I try to limit those moods). But, I felt like I needed to be real and so I started to think about how no one would call me beautiful anymore, something I had taken for granted before. And so, I was sad and I began to pray... because I had caught myself thinking that I was allowed to feel sorry for myself. I asked to be fulfilled, to realize that God had a plan for me, to be satisfied... and I kept driving. I kept praying... talking out loud... complaining... but asking... one of those moments when you just want God to answer you. And then, I see it! Above the freeway, fastened to a bridge, was an enormous sign that said, "YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL." So, thank you for the sign... whomever you may be that decided to tie it to the bridge. God used it for me.

strange

I was on a mission tonight to make my blog look pretty. I'm failing... I think I am going to have to make my own template. Seriously. All of these blogger people are either obsessed with anime, completely emo, in love, or in love with emo love. This is true. I just like to write. I don't like anime... especially when I learned about yucky anime things, I'm not in love, and I'm not emo. What is a girl to do?

I was in the middle of studying for Spanish. This is what I want to be doing right now. I need to study for this vocabulary quiz. But, I just can't concentrate. I'm in study hall... I'm not even at home. I'm away from all of my normal distractions. But, I felt like God wanted me to stop and to read his word. I've learned that when I hear these funny thoughts in my head that I need to listen to them. So, I've stopped. I put down my flashcards and opened biblegateway, which is silly because I have a Bible with me right now. But, I just did. And, I didn't know what to read. I hate when people say that they just opened there Bibles and read whatever was randomly in front of them... I just don't think it's the best way to do it. But, in this circumstance, I opened the webpage and blam: verse of the day. My mind is going in circles right now. I have all these mixed emotions about everything that is happening in my life. Most of all, I feel like I've been selfish. I want to talk to who I want to talk to because I think that it will help me. And, I want to say that it's not fair because it will help me. Really, I don't want to be selfish. I'm am so sick of thinking about me. It is discusting. And, I have this opportunity to be so happy for these other people. So happy. And, I am. But, deep down, I'm hurting. And, I feel like this is foolish because it brings the focus back to me hurting. All ridiculous. It has just been one of those things that I know is really not me, I'm not this type of person. So, anyways, I read the chapter that the verse was in: Ephesians 2. And, some things just hit home.



For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— 9not by works, so that no one can boast. 10For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.



I can't boast. I can't say that this is not fair and that God should be blessing me too because I've been searching so very hard. It is fair. God prepared me to do works to glorify him. And, thinking about myself isn't going to make anything better. If God prepared these works for me to do, which I feel like I'm doing, then He also has a time for me to be blessed as well. He prepared everything in advance. He prepared this life for me ahead of time. It isn't a last minute decision that He has made for me. It's been crafted by Him. And, so how could I think of myself? How could I think about the things I have done to make my life the way it is? I just can't because God has planned this little life of mine. I need to be happy for this.

More Please.

I've been told that it is a gift, this discontentment that I have. It goes against what I want. What I really want is to be satisfied with where I'm at. This would make me happy I think. But, apparently there is something in me that won't allow that to happen... and it's a gift. I have this constant longing for more of God. I feel like I can't ever reach that point of having enough of Him. I've questioned from the time of my very first experiences with God if I was really getting it. When I was younger, I felt like there should be more to it. That maybe I should feel a certain way or I should experience some sort of sign from heaven telling me that what I have is real. These things have not come but I still know that what I have is real. What I have is God. But, just recently, it was prophesied that I have this gift of wanting more... I'm not even sure what to call it. And, as much as I want to be happy that I have it, it frustrates me. I've always thought everyone felt this way; that everyone really wanted more of God. Come on, it's God! Who wouldn't want more of Him, right? And maybe this is true. I'm just not sure. I never had one of those big, memorable moments though that so many people talk about. That moment when they realize that they need to turn to God and they give their life to Him. I've given my life to Him, don't get me wrong. I've given it to Him over and over again. But, as far as I can remember, I've always been a Christian. I've felt God's spirit come over me and know when something is from Him. But, I still want more. I feel like I haven't had enough. I didn't grow up in church. Some people are curious about this, how I could be a Christian from as far back as I remember, but I didn't go to church. I wish I would have. It's my hearts desire. It really is. I feel like I'm just now experiencing what it is like to be a part of a church and it's good. So good. Sometimes I wonder how much closer I would be to God if my family would have gone to church when I was young. Most of the things that I learned about God were because of my own curiosity, from camps, or friends' churches. I'm still learning a lot. Maybe this gift of wanting more is really a gift because otherwise I wouldn't have discovered who God is. But, now that I know Him, I would like for just a second to feel like I am completely filled with everything He has to give me. But, I know that this isn't part of the gift. He wants me to want more. And so I do. I'm not sad about it. When this gift was confirmed, I was also told that I have so much more to experience. I know I do. But, I would really like to experience it right now. I've been trying so hard to get more of God; to be closer and to know his Word and His truth. I'm not discouraged. I've just been trying and constantly pursuing. This is the walk. This is my life with God. I feel like I'm playing tag and just can't run quite fast enough... but at the same time, I have Him. I have God. And I have this gift... and that's just what it is. A gift.

Funerals.

I think they should give people some kind of warning. A nice little note at the bottom of the program saying there will be an open casket. I don't think people are ever quite prepared to look at a dead body. I don't mean to be insensitive. I'm really sensitive. Hence, the reason there should be a note. I just sat there and I tried not to look. But, he was in front of everyone and white. And, I felt nauseous. I really did. I kept thinking about how horrible it would be for me to stand up and walk out. But, of course I couldn't do that. I just sat there and I stared at the snap dragons that were in one of the arrangements. I thought about how I used to play tennis at Singing Hills when I was little and how my mom would "snap" the flower for me. I liked that. I didn't even listen to the service. I thought that I was going to pass out. I really didn't think I would react in that way. I'd been to one of these types of funerals before. But, something in me just couldn't handle it. Just couldn't handle seeing this man, who looks nothing like the man I knew, laying blank in a casket. I have no idea what the pastor said... except for Psalm 23. When I die, I don't want an open casket. I don't want some solemn procession. As cliche as it is, I want a happy funeral. One where everyone thinks, "Heck yes! Lauren is having a party in heaven right now." Because that's the way it will be for me. I'll be having a party in heaven. Seriously, I want there to be cake and balloons and praise music. Not the beach boys, no. But, praise music. Happy praising. And people can cry. That's ok. But, I don't want them to be really so sad because I'll be rocking up in heaven with Jesus. And so funerals make you think of these things. I don't like being morbid. But, really, this is the way I would want it to be; a party.

A friend loves at all times... Proverbs 17:17

I talked to my best friend twice yesterday. This rarely happens... but when it does it makes me smile. I miss her. She's that person for me. That girl that I can say two words to and she knows exactly how I feel. I think we just get each other. We're on the same wavelength. I don't think very many people have that. It makes me feel really lucky. I actually have two of those girls. Two! I've been thinking about friendships a lot lately. Maybe this is because I have been blessed with friends the last few months... something I've been praying about since I started college. But, really, it's crazy how dynamics of friendships change over time and how true friends stay connected. I think there will always be something in life that makes it hard to be friends with someone. (I'm not saying it's hard to be friends with people). I think that at this point in my life, boys make friendships more complicated. I don't mean that boys are a bad thing... I'm not a crazy feminist... I love boys. Don't get me wrong. But, I feel like they are one of the components that change the dynamics of friendships. They cause this jealous sort of tension between girls. Not jealous as in two girls wanting to date the same boy. Jealous as in one girl dating a boy and the friend feeling cheated on time with the newly committed girl. And... it seems the girl always chooses time with the boy. And, really, I think that's the way it should be... at this college-I-want-a-serious-boyfriend stage of life. Things change between friendships because priorities are different. And, that's ok. But, it's always happening. It seems to be starting right now... and I'm not sure if it ever stops. For example, first there is the single vs. not single difference, then maybe the married vs. unmarried difference, next the kids vs. no kids difference... and I think it just goes on and on. And, I've realized that even if my friends and I aren't going through the same things at the same time, we are still going to be friends. This is just the way we are. I say this because it has been tested. And we're still friends. And, this is how I think you know who is your lifelong friend and who is not. Then, there are those other friends, that are great friends... but they may not last through all the different changes. But, those friends are important too. I think that they come and go... and sometimes you find a special one that you realize you want to make the effort to stay connected with. And then, there is that transition. I know I'm making this friendship thing more complicated than it should be. But, I like the dynamics. And really, I think we should just embrace whatever stage we are in with people. Did I say that I am blessed? Because I am! God knows this entire friend business and I'm glad that He does. He's good like that.

30 Days, not 300 or 3, but 30.

That's right. 30 entire days. 30 days of being worked on and 30 days to grow. Hard. Rewarding. Thirty. I can't write in sentences. I have a problem with this. I have fallen in love with periods. I am also a very bad secret-keeper. But, I love surprises. Sometimes I think about them a lot. I think... wouldn't it be so cool if someone decided to be spontaneous and surprise me... or something amazing happened that I didn't know was going to happen. But, I think this is the romantically minded part of me that I sometimes hate a lot. But, back to thirty. Apparently thirty days is biblical. I only found it once though in the Bible. Maybe I didn't search hard enough. But, it doesn't really matter how many days it is... just that I have a set number. A goal... which I'm hesitant to call a goal... because it will be accomplished. It's like when you're fasting; you don't say it's a goal for me not to eat today. You just do it. So, I will just do the 30 days. Anna says it's like Nike. Just do it. You know what I also love that I just realized? I love that no one will understand this blog. Well, except for the chosen ones. Haha. The chosen ones. Hmm. You know what else I realized that just came out when I was praying... and I was thinking... shoot! Did I just say that? That was SO not my idea. God's idea, yes! I was talking aloud and "Wham"... The reward at the end of the 30 days won't be getting what I want again (that I didn't have for 30 days), but it will be that I am going to be so much closer to God when it's over. God basically just changed my motives without me knowing and it made me giggle a little bit... because He does this. Speaking of giggling, I have been giggly all day long. Even by myself. I just can't help it. I don't know what's gotten into me! I was driving... listening to music... and all of a sudden I just burst into laughter. It wasn't even a funny song. But, to me... it was a little. It was a dumb song that I heard a million times before and I was just thinking... who in the world sings about such dumb things. And... then it just came over me... and I couldn't stop. At home fellowship I had to control myself because I just wanted to giggle. For no reason, really. And on the way home, I wasn't listening to anything and I just kept laughing. It's funny. Seriously. I can't write seriously and laugh at the same time... but I just did. And I really don't know what it is. Well, 30 days. I'm actually on day 2. I thought it was day 3... but no. Day 2. I will have to live day 3 over again tomorrow... because I missed 2. haha. And here comes the giggles again. Oh my. How will I sleep?! The 30 days end on the 13th. Wait- would that make it day 3? Who cares. I end on the 13th. This is also when I go to the dentist. I'm getting glamor shots at the dentist... who would have guessed? All that modeling payed off.... oh my. Anna, if you read this, you'll know what I'm thinking. Fred. Okay, enough rambling. 30 days here I come. Well, 28 or 27 or something. No, here I come is not the right mindset. Well, a little. It's more like a break. A relief. A peace. It may not stay this way because it will be tough. I'm not prepared. But, I never will be. So 30, 28, 27 I'm here and that's what God said.
Giggles.

Birthdays

It's funny how you remember birthdays. Well, I remember them. I remember turning five. I think it was five; it may have been four. But, I remember. I had a dress up party and I was allowed to wear the ridiculous looking poofy dress that I loved. I remember my mom helping me with it, but most of all, I remember the shoes. I really wanted to wear these shiny red shoes that didn't match. But, they were shiny and red and that's all that mattered to me. So, I put them on without my mom knowing. And I can remember walking down my front steps when the Tyson's (these sisters) came and my mom looking at me and telling me that my shoes didn't match. But, she laughed. And... then she let me wear them. It was my birthday and I got what I wanted on my birthday. I also remember another birthday when all I really wanted was the pretty cake from Howard's Bakery with a unicorn on it. I guess I thought it was pretty cool. But... it had lemon filling and my mom said that I wouldn't like it. But, she let me get it anyways and I hated it. And then it seems like there were all these other birthdays just mushed in between the red shoes and high school. My fifteenth birthday was memorable, but only because I lost my bra after P.E. class when we had swim. That day, I had a tennis match and was wearing my uniform to school, a tank top which was huge on me. I had to wear my wet bathing suit top underneath. The next year had to be the funniest birthday though. Anna and Elizabeth surprised me by making me breakfast that morning. It was great. I thought it ended there... but it didn't (because they are spectacular friends). They had somehow talked our honors English teacher into tricking me to stay after school to go over an essay I had written. It was all that I could think about. I didn't even care that it was my birthday. I went to his room after school and was shocked when he handed me a paper with my name on it that I hadn't written. It was a horrible essay... all about Animal Farm. And... I had to try to convince him that there was a mistake. And then, after all of this worry and frustration, Elizabeth and Anna came strutting into the classroom with guilty smiles. I was so upset. But, they had good intentions and all they wanted was for me to stay long enough for them to finish 7th period so they could take me to lunch. Now that I think about it, it was a little funny. It was a tough year to say the least. Oh! I almost forgot about how after eating lunch I went to tennis practice only to realize that we were going to run for 2 hours (not so great after eating). It was also Katie McCracken's birthday. Everyone loved Katie... and for good reason... but it topped everything off when the entire team sung happy birthday to her and no one knew it was also my birthday. That sounds so depressing, huh? Well, after that birthday... things have been better... in case you were worried :) We'll see what happens today. Maybe in another few years I will be writing about it. I'm going to make sure it doesn't include losing my bra. And on Saturday, I don't want to make any memories that I will regret. Just because I'm turning twenty-one doesn't mean anything changes. I'm just a day older than yesterday, right?

The adviser who is a psychologist.

Hi. You know what isn't fun? When you have to talk about a really bad week that you had with someone you don't know. Yup, not fun. I just had to do this with my academic mentor and, as I said, it was not fun. At all. But, she was nice at least. But, I also think that she thinks she is a psychologist because she is a high school psychology teacher. Which... sort of sucks for me... if you wanted to know. I described in vague terms why my last Tuesday was pretty horrible (which you can read about below) and why I happened to probably fail a Spanish test and turn a paper in late. It wasn't all about Tuesday though, Monday definately played its part. But, this adviser wasn't so concerned with me failing out of college. She was concerned about my relationship- quite single- relationship status. Which, I don't really want to talk about with a woman I don't know... which is the very reason why I'm not in counseling for it... because I don't need it. But, I had to be Lauren and mention that I'm retarded when it comes to boys and that is why my Tuesday was sort of my Tuesday (besides a lot of other things). And this one sentence I said about being boy-awkward must have set off a big alarm in her psychologist head and so she asks. And, I not so much explain. But, she's nice. She really is. She thinks that her asking may be helping me in some form or another... but quite honestly... I'm not so sure how much more asking I can handle. Why, why, why?! Only so much until a girl goes crazy I must say. It's been more than a month and I think I am driving him crazy... because it's just one thing after another. As much as I want to help it, I need to help it. No more! There will have to be another someone to do these things. Not so much a boy though. No boys for a while. Just friends who are girls. Two tallies under "Things that I wished worked... but in some crazy way didn't." It stops there. There won't be a third... or a forth... or a fifth. This heart is on lock down. Access denied, try again later. Yes, that's just the way it is going to be... because I'm not good with these matters of the heart... and I forget to guard it when it needs to be guarded and I take some things for granted that shouldn't even be touched. So, I wait. Not sure what I'm waiting for... but God's the only one who is going to be getting in... unless someone finds some secret hidden key which won't happen. Of course I didn't tell Miss Adviser this. I can just imagine the analysis. And, I still hear that thing that I've been hearing. I think, at least. Maybe. But, that is just something else... especially since I'm on lock down. I'll wait for a secure premise.

Something new for you to look at.

O is for Overwhelming Emotion. Yes.

I will keep my eyes upon the LORD, feel the warmth and rejoice in his light. I lift my head to his touch and give him all of my heart that is beating for His love. For He knows the plan He has for me, and takes joy in the time that I wait. He is above my worldly desires that are burdens pulling at my entirety. A glimpse of His power will hold me captivated. I search for Him and He has all of me.

mornings, journals, and good things

Life is good. Going from spending the majority of my time with one boy to spending a ton of time with girls is a crazy transition. It’s way too easy to forget how fun girls are. But, I do miss the boy time too. Really though, life changes and God is good to me.

This morning I woke up at 6:30. It felt amazing to hear my alarm go off when it was light outside… unlike when it does at the unreasonable time of 4:15. To make it even better, I didn’t have to drive to the boathouse because it’s “stormy” (not quite) and instead I went to SDSU for practice. I took my sweet time getting ready… I actually put on a little makeup seeing as I wasn’t going to be getting sweaty but instead would be watching people work out. Nice. I made some amazing chai tea in my silver Starbucks cup (which, by the way, is broken) and ate a pop tart on the way. I was feeling pretty wonderful bundled up with two layers of clothes until……. I found out that I would be joining in on the workout that had been planned. Ugh. One of the relay teams for the ergs was short one person and I happened to be one of the few with no truly good excuse for not filling in. [Note: an erg is a horrible and miserable rowing machine that makes me want to pass out and die from lack of oxygen.] So, I did it. I made it out of the workout room alive… a bit shaky and lightheaded and detesting pop tarts and tea… but alive.

On a happier note, I’m starting my alphabet journal today. Brilliant! I have all 26 letters and I get to make a fun trip to buy the journal (I’m thinking moleskine- even though I hate the word moleskine). So here’s the deal. The overall theme is going to be “blessings”. So, each entry will have a blessing that starts with the correlated letter. I know it sounds super corny and sort of like something that you would do in elementary school, but I think it will be really awesome. I’ll have my pictures/ drawings/ artwork to go with each page, some sweet scrapbook paper, and some words. I’m not going to go in order and I will make pages randomly when it applies… I don’t want to have to force myself to think of a lame blessing just because I want it finished. Anyways, I am beyond excited! New projects make me happy!

Things that are good:

- Last night was my first night helping with Junior High Group at church and it was great! Sixth grade girls are so silly and at such a fun age. I’m excited!

- I pretty much did awesome on my Spanish quiz.

- I no longer have ugly metal on my teeth making them straight (also known as braces). Yes!

- New shoes and a new white jacket (much needed)

- Friends that are new too. And much needed.

- Umm. The Office. (A bit sad that a TV show has made it to my good list.)

- Quiet time before practices on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Time with God and no interruptions is the best. Seriously… another easy thing to forget.

- My required mentor for athletics wanting to meet with me before everyone else so I don’t have to wait around forever. Blessing J

- Next week being my last week at work!

Oh there is more to come… just wait… Good things are happening!

Waiting

I’m learning that being patient is not easy. I want to be in fast forward mode and know what is going to happen… because I know something is going to happen. I just wish I knew what it was. But, instead, I get to wait. I get to do normal things on fairly normal days and just wait. If I knew what was going to happen tomorrow and the next day though, I guess it would make things boring, wouldn’t it? So I wait. I’m thinking that God wants to see what I will do while I wait for this something-that-I-don’t-know-about to happen. A big test you could say. Will I pass or fail? I think I will pass. I know that I will because I’ve made that decision… the decision to not just sit here and do nothing while I wait. But still, waiting is hard. Being patient is hard. It seems like to be patient you have to have this belief that everything will work out in the end… because if you didn’t believe that, you would try to do whatever you’re doing another way. So, patience takes trust. But, it’s always hard to trust and to let it all just go. To let the things that are making you worried and the things that are making you frustrated be swept away by your faith that something bigger is happening. It’s just a tough thing that is just so simple to do; to be patient.

I guess you could call this a portfolio. But, I didn't include any drawings... which is perfectly okay with me!

This is the newest. You can't see the shimmer in this picture, but in real life there are sparkles on the splatter and in front of the face. This picture makes it look unfinished... but that's all I've got for you. :DJust a little something for the boyfriend (who is on the right).
I'm holding it hostage until I can put a finish over the paint.


This one is my favorite. It's an idea that I had in my head when I was worshiping.
It's lost forever now in a sea of teacher's work to grade in a class I dropped out of.
It also happens to be the only watercolor I've ever done.


It graces the wall of my sister's office. This one reminds me of barbies, which I happened to really like when I was little. I think it's kid-ish, but I guess it adds a little fun to office-life.


Reese Witherspoon is my favorite actress. I would be her friend if she wasn't famous. Well, maybe not, but I still like her a lot. I actually got a bad grade on this for my art class because it wasn't "partitive" enough. But, screw art teachers. I'm not an art major anymore... but not because of this class.

This is me. Well sort of. This is a self portrait that I had to do. I learned later that for the assignment, I didn't really have to do a picture of myself. I also learned that some people took five minutes and put pieces of paper together. But, I like that I did this. I think other people like it too. I will never hang it on a wall though. I actually get sick of looking at it behind my door. I recently restored it. It took me so long to make but it was worth it. It was also the very first project I did that was on a canvas. :D

Can I Please...

Have this puppy?!

Can't wait!

10 Things I am looking forward to are...

1) Getting to see Elizabeth

2) Getting to Elizabeth and Anna at the same time. Can you believe I used to every day?! I was so lucky!

3) Getting good grades, like the very best

4) Getting my first pay check in a long long time. Yay!

5) Warm nights

6) Double dates :D Well, dates with Matt

7) Getting my braces off

8) Going to Lynda's bible study every week

9) Going to Santa Barbara to see Nathan graduate

10) Sleeping in for summer (I mean, not having to wake up at 5)

Summer brings change

Life is good and things are new. I am loved and blessed and not failing anymore classes because spring semester is over :D

I start summer school in 3 days (I haven't really had a break) and will have 36 units left after this semester! One more year... and another for the credential program... and then I will be grown up....

Speaking of grown up... I want to move out. Seriously. That's another issue though...

When I grow up and have a house of my own... I want to have a studio that looks like this!

Peace!

Lost on a Curb

Today I had to go to Michael's to get wood finish for a project and as I was checking out I saw this old lady who looked lost outside. It looked as if she was trying to come inside but she wasn't sure how she could. She was confused. She has bright pink lipstick and her hair was dyed red and it made me think, "Someday I am going to be a lost little old lady outside of a craft store." I didn't even think to help her find her way because I was just too busy standing in line buying my wood finish (which happens to be the worst excuse ever.) I got what I needed and was oblivious that she was still outside when I walked out. She must have been because as I was driving away I saw her standing on the curb. Then, I saw another woman, who was probably in her sixties, come out and take her arm. The younger lady was really patient and helped her off the curb, which appeared to be a huge challenge for the older woman. It isn't very often that you see someone actually stop and help someone else. It probably took the woman a total of five minutes to help the elderly lady off the curb, but I'm sure it made the older woman's day to be helped. When I'm old, I hope somebody takes five minutes to help me when I'm lost. I'm sure I have a lot more than 5 minutes left in me... and a lot more I could do during that time.

Today's the day

"Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Jesus Christ." 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

This verse has come up twice in the past week and I love it. I think it's amazing when God speaks to you and I know I have a lot to learn. It's easy to forget to be thankful, even when things in your life are going good and especially when they're bad. Things in my life are not bad at all though, quite great actually!

I just got off the phone with my best friend, Elizabeth. We were talking when she got another phone call,
"Oh no! Uh hah. Okay, I'll be right over."
She says to me,
"I have to go, my fish is dying and I really like this fish."
Who really can form an attachment to a fish? Yes, that would be Elizabeth. Haha.

There has been a lot of good news between Elizabeth, Anna (my other best friend), and I lately.

• Anna just moved out of her house for the first time... which is always exciting (though I don't really know because I have only moved away to a dorm room). She just got accepted to UCSD after going to a community college for the past 3 years.
  
• Elizabeth just got offered a job at a place where she was applying.
  She is also graduating next semester and found a place to live until then.
  
• I just changed my major for the last time (hopefully) and will have only 42 units left! It's the last week of school before finals and I am ready for a little break before I start 2 classes in summer school. And... the most exciting thing... I'm loved :) and in love too...
• Oh... and another exciting/scary/weird thing is that someone is going to put an offer in on our house that is for sale... we'll see what happens... eeek.
  

There are so many changes... but... this is life and I will be joyous for today because that's the way it should be!!!