I've been told that it is a gift, this discontentment that I have. It goes against what I want. What I really want is to be satisfied with where I'm at. This would make me happy I think. But, apparently there is something in me that won't allow that to happen... and it's a gift. I have this constant longing for more of God. I feel like I can't ever reach that point of having enough of Him. I've questioned from the time of my very first experiences with God if I was really getting it. When I was younger, I felt like there should be more to it. That maybe I should feel a certain way or I should experience some sort of sign from heaven telling me that what I have is real. These things have not come but I still know that what I have is real. What I have is God. But, just recently, it was prophesied that I have this gift of wanting more... I'm not even sure what to call it. And, as much as I want to be happy that I have it, it frustrates me. I've always thought everyone felt this way; that everyone really wanted more of God. Come on, it's God! Who wouldn't want more of Him, right? And maybe this is true. I'm just not sure. I never had one of those big, memorable moments though that so many people talk about. That moment when they realize that they need to turn to God and they give their life to Him. I've given my life to Him, don't get me wrong. I've given it to Him over and over again. But, as far as I can remember, I've always been a Christian. I've felt God's spirit come over me and know when something is from Him. But, I still want more. I feel like I haven't had enough. I didn't grow up in church. Some people are curious about this, how I could be a Christian from as far back as I remember, but I didn't go to church. I wish I would have. It's my hearts desire. It really is. I feel like I'm just now experiencing what it is like to be a part of a church and it's good. So good. Sometimes I wonder how much closer I would be to God if my family would have gone to church when I was young. Most of the things that I learned about God were because of my own curiosity, from camps, or friends' churches. I'm still learning a lot. Maybe this gift of wanting more is really a gift because otherwise I wouldn't have discovered who God is. But, now that I know Him, I would like for just a second to feel like I am completely filled with everything He has to give me. But, I know that this isn't part of the gift. He wants me to want more. And so I do. I'm not sad about it. When this gift was confirmed, I was also told that I have so much more to experience. I know I do. But, I would really like to experience it right now. I've been trying so hard to get more of God; to be closer and to know his Word and His truth. I'm not discouraged. I've just been trying and constantly pursuing. This is the walk. This is my life with God. I feel like I'm playing tag and just can't run quite fast enough... but at the same time, I have Him. I have God. And I have this gift... and that's just what it is. A gift.
Monday, October 29, 2007
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2 comments:
I basically relate to this entry a lot. Or I go through mountain-top-times when I just want so much of God...yet feel like I'm not getting everything.
I had this vision over the summer of me clinging to God...and, to describe God, he was shinging light...yet tangible at the same time. I can't fully explain it, but I was clinging to him and I couldn't hold on to him all the way--I was just a speck in a sea of light, and I felt him saying that that was okay. That he could hold me, envelop me, understand me, fully, even though I could only cling to a little part of him at a time.
I don't know how articulate that was...but basically, I think of that vision a lot, and am reassured that it's okay that I don't have all of God because I won't ever. Because there was a Fall. Yet if I keep clinging to him, he will understand me and care for me the best anyone ever can and will.
Your entry just made me think of that and the fact that I was raised in church, yet I knew I wasn't experiencing God...I was hungry for more of him. So I left my church and family and came to Foothills. Thankfully, when they saw how great I was doing, they followed. But sometimes, being so hungry for God is definitely going to set us apart. Because there are those that are simply content with their comfortable, secure, safe relationship with Jesus...inside their sheltered church, etc. who will look at us and think we're downright crazy. I know some people from my old church look at me that way. But it's sooo worth it! Seeking more is the best :)
Sorry for the essay hah.
That is an awesome vision. I like it a lot. I am glad we are both people who don't settle for what we have (even if sometimes I wish I was). I also agree that it's worth it. God is good :D Oh, it wasn't an essay either. Haha.
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