It all starts off so innocently. "You aren't doing anything wrong, We're just having fun, Doesn't it feel good to have guys want you?, Flirt with him and he'll buy you a drink." But before you know it, you're hearing slurred words proclaim that you're beautiful and requests to be touched all over. And that's not the way I roll. What I'm trying to say is that it's a sly game. No, I wasn't directly doing anything wrong. If I was with Elizabeth it would have been fine. If it was Anna it would have been okay. But, I wasn't with them. I was sending a message that what was going on around me wasn't wrong; that it was normal; that it was fun. But, it's so temporary. Sure, it may be flattering and it may be exciting. But, it's empty. So empty. And it isn't what I want. It isn't what anyone really wants. I don't have a void. I don't need boys to try to dance with me. I don't need to give out fake phone numbers to feel satisfied. I don't need another vodka cran. I don't need to be grabbed and I don't need to seek for something that I already have. It's deeper than they think. It's playing on them and they don't even know. It's just another picture for the scrapbook. It's just another story to tell. But, they're missing it all. I am not them and they need to know. Because, what I have they want.
You are the light of the world. A city on a hill can not be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead, they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house.
Matthew 5:14-15
change. I want to shine and I will.
Saturday, January 12, 2008
more lipgloss and eyeliner
Posted by lauren lee at 12:35 PM
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5 comments:
Ummm... this is a seriously inspired blog entry. I think you should print it out and tape it in your bathroom so you can read it every day.
I know how this is too. Even though I am a guy, there are certain expectations for us as well. This is why I don't like to go downtown or to bars with most people I know. All they want to do is pick up girls. And you're right, it is empty, in fact most of the time the guys probably don't even want YOU, just what you have. So I think it's really awesome that you feel this way, I think it's more of a rarity these days.
The end of this entry reminded me of these lyrics:
Why should I shy down, how are you? Fine
Why should I sit around and be dead and never shine?
It's like the giant, so defiant
But I'm happier if I can sleep
If I wake though, volcano, fee fi fo fum
Bang the drum aloud or put it down
And figure out if I'm out of line
Sit around and figure out if I'm wasting time
Wait for the sign
it's time to shine shine shine
Wait for the sign
it's time to shine shine shine
thanks anna :D
kyle, thanks for the lyrics. I know that a lot of people don't like going downtown for those reasons. But for me, it's not just the reasons you mentioned and it isn't just the expectations. I appreciate you saying it's empty... but I also know what fills that. What fills that isn't just not going out and not prostituting yourself, it's knowing God. It's knowing that God is so amazing and that you don't need anything else other than him. Going downtown isn't the only thing that leaves you empty. It isn't the only thing that is temporary. I want you to see this so badly... see that God is the best and that he will fill everything for you if you want him to.
I know you have good intentions and you want me to be more like you, but I am not you. This might sound harsh, but unfortunately I don't have the convenience of having an invisible support system to guide me through life and fill my void. But that's who I am. I wanted God for so many years, and I never found him, he does not exist for me and probably never will. And I know it's hard for you to accept that, but when you say things like this it only pushes me further away. I think it's probably best if I stop coming here and posting, I just don't really feel that I fit in here. Please don't be mad.
so kyle...
I don't want you to be like me. You're kyle... and the world doesn't need another me. I know you don't believe in God and I accept that you don't believe that. I just don't accept that it's true. My heart is God's... and if that pushes you away than that's a bummer. But, to me, God is real and not some invisible support system and guide. I apologize if that offends you because that isn't my intent. It's kind of like when you really like someone a ton and you want all your friends to see how great that person is. That's the way it is with God and I and it isn't something I can or want to hold back. So, if you can't read this anymore... then ok.
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