22 years

Grandma's famous chocolate birthday cake

I turned 22. I think 22 is a good number. It sounds good, right? My birthday was magical- quite literally. I spent the day at Disneyland! It was a great birthday. It far outdid turning 21. Or 20. Or 19. I got to celebrate it twice too! I spent Friday at Disneyland. Then on Saturday night I went with all my girlfriends to P.F. Changs and later played Apples to Apples. It was a perfect birthday! :) I couldn't have asked for anything better!

On a sad note, I killed my dear little fish, Opal. I forgot to add that much needed water conditioner stuff. I woke up to her nose dived into the rocks at the bottom of her bowl. My brother, being sympathetic, bought me a replacement for my birthday. It's a boy. His name is Rubio (soon to be a fish taco). Take a look... he's a little camouflage...

Dear Autumn,
You're always more than I expect. I must admit that you have an edge. Last year it was cold and hard, but we're off to a much better start this year. It's nice. Please don't turn your back on me again. Because I am growing quite fond of you. Thank you for bringing me that crisp wind that I like so much. And that smell you have- it's oh-so good. Fresh. I'm in love with your leaves and your colors. And that crunchy noise under my feet makes me so happy. This year we're going to be great friends. It's much easier to like you when my heart is full. You make me realize there are things to be thankful for and that God is good because He made you so perfect. I'll embrace you everyday.
Yours truly,
Lauren


Inspired by girlhula

A lot of things have been swirling through my mind lately. Things that I want to talk about but I'm not sure who to say it to. So, you get to choose to read this. It's one of the many great things about blogging.

I was thinking about breaking God's heart. I will restate that. I was thinking about the different ways we all break God's heart. It sucks, right? I know it sounds super depressing and everything, but I was thinking about that sacrifice that God made for us- the sacrifice to love us all. I'm reading Sex God by Rob Bell (which, by the way, is not about being a sex god. Or about sex as the world sees it. It's about God. It's about Sex.) He mentions this idea a little bit in his book- this idea about breaking God's heart. He talks about how we all have the choice to choose God and how he gave us that power. He risked it all for us to maybe not love him back. That must have been totally scary. Imagine that degree of vulnerability. It's nuts. It really is. It's great. It's amazing. It's so hard to do that. To risk not being loved by someone. It's a simple idea really, but hits those deep areas. God wants us to do that, to love everyone even if they don't love us back. Which, to me, sounds super easy when thinking about those random strangers you meet everyday and are nice to because you know it's important to love them. But, when I think about those people that are the closest to me, it's harder. It seems like it shouldn't be because I love them more, right? But, it is. They're closer, they know me, I've given them something already. I've given them pieces of my heart- my dearest friends, my brother, my sister, my parents, my boyfriend. They could tell you things about me that Mr. Random wouldn't ever know. Inevitably, I've loved them. Now, can you imagine God being in my place and not being loved back? God giving his heart to the friend and the dad and the sister and being rejected? It hurts to think about. And God doesn't give up. He just keeps loving and His heart never gets hard and cold. How crazy amazing is that?

Well, I have other thoughts about Exodus, but seeing as I haven't completely mastered this new laptop of mine (and deleted a lot of what I just wrote about Exodus) I will end here because I have no more energy.

More later.

Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge says this and it is what I strive for:

"He loves it when we, gripped with doubt and fear that he will not be enough, turn the gaze of ours souls to him in hope... We can't wait until we feel safe to love and invite. In fact, if you feel a little scared, then you're probably on the right path. Of course it's scary. It's vulnerable. It's naked... He wants us to bear the weight of our lives and all that he has given to us, worked into us, and offer it to our world. To entice, allure, and invite others to Jesus by reflecting his glory in our lives... Women who are stunningly beautiful are women who have had their hearts enlarged by suffering. By saying 'yes' when the world says 'no.' By paying the high price of loving truly and honestly without demanding that they be loved in return."

hello today.

I don't normally write those typical, "Today I..." journals, but I will for the fun of it. Partially because I don't have anything super intellectual to write about (not that I usually do) and partially because I feel like it.

So, today I went to SDSU. I had to pay for school from last semester and I promise you that there could be an easier way to pay tuition. That's all I will say. It made me loathe SDSU. The trendiness, difficulty, and aura made me want to run for it. But, I realized that the school itself isn't so bad and that it might just be me.

For the last few days I've been reading my Bible. I'm picking up where I left off months ago in my quest to read it all in a year. That's actually a really hard goal and it's hard to focus when you have to read so much every day. I felt like I was in a race. Well, unfortunately, instead of slowing down I just stopped. So, I'm starting again without the goal of a year.

When I started the reading plan it was toward the end of the year so I was finishing the last chapters of the New and Old Testament. But, I stopped in the beginning of the year, which was the beginning of the Bible. It amazes me how much is written in Genesis. I seem to have forgetten or maybe not known. Anyways, Jacob just died. Well, that's where I'm at. I've actually been really motivated to read more. It's been really fun. To be honest, I'm not totally familiar with a lot of the Old Testament stories. I sometimes feel stupid when people refer to them because I don't know them. Well, I know the major stories, but I have a lot more to learn. Anyways, Jacob just died and has blessed his sons, which later become the 12 tribes. It's easy to make Joseph my favorite so far... not that I need to be picking favorites. But, Joseph endured and didn't give up and God blessed him... probably more than we'll ever know.

My personal lesson for today is that God is faithful. I know it's simple. But, really, God is faithful. I don't have to worry, I just have to trust Him.

To all my fellow bloggers,

I would have to say that the most annoying thing about changing your layout would be that it deletes your list of blogs that you read. You know, the one where you have to put in all the links? Uh hum, someone from google better get on that! :)

Anyways, today has been a good day... and much better than the terrible day that I wrote that last blog. For all my concerned friends, thanks. I'm fine. And happy. And feeling wonderful. It was one of those days. But, thank you for caring about me!

God makes me smile in the strangest ways... it keeps things fun... well, especially after having one of those bad types of days.

Peace in the middle east. And in the west... whether or not you're a democrat or republican... hehe.

depressing journal venting.

I want to run away- but there just isn't anywhere far enough to go. I want to be free. I've always felt not good enough. I'm lacking... lacking that extra thing that everyone else has seemed to grasp so well. And there is just no where to go- no street to drive, no house to visit, and no place to be at peace. Things go so well and then I see it coming, all crashing toward me. I've never been a good enough friend... always mixing up my priorities and who I should invest in. And my choice in relationships have maybe even left me feeling emptier- not good enough, not understanding enough, not perfect enough. And even with protest from others, their words seeming to reflect right off of me, I still feel like I'm missing a piece. I want to believe that God will fill these empty holes, but I feel hardy worthy of God's grace. The more and more I think about it, the more I feel like these things that I feel will just become burdens for someone else to carry. Everyone else seems to have things figured out while I'm stuck here contemplating my thoughts that make even my own head feel dizzy. I'm the daughter that isn't ever quite what the other is, the friend that is not there when needed, the girlfriend who doesn't understand, and the girl who is just confused... unable to support herself and find the missing pieces that life holds. And so I sit here, wanting to escape it all and not be this person that I am.

Steady Sloth.

I haven't felt inspired to write lately. Usually it's some sort of inspiration that gets me going. But, nope, not lately. It's been the same with photography. I've sort of been burned out with it all. I stopped doing my 365 project... for the sake of having quality photos over quantity. Although, the 365 was a nice way to remember each day. Oh well.

I have been upset all day. I think I've been getting upset easily. I still feel like my anger is legitimate but I'm tired of thinking about it.

I'm ready for God to pull me back up again and give me a little nudge. A little pep talk would be nice right about now. Or a little feeling. You know the kind I'm talking about, that shaky leg-tingly fingers feeling. I can't blame God. It's pretty much been my fault. I've been numb... stuck... and numb... and without feeling like there's anything to move toward. That sounds depressing, right? Um, no, it's not. Maybe I'm just goal-oriented or something. I like having things to work on and I haven't figured out (of the many things) just what I should be working on. Maybe it's that I'm hesitant. Pretty soon I'm going to be a nice little statue of salt.



On another note, two out of three of the closet girls in my life are engaged... and it all happened in the same weekend. I'm happy for them. I'll be getting a long awaited brother-in-law and a best friend with a husband in whom she is madly in love with. It's an interesting thing... all this marriage stuff. It's been the topic of, probably, far too many conversations I've had within the last two weeks. I do want to get married... but I don't want to rush. I want to enjoy every moment of dating before I tie the knot. I make that sound like a dreadful thing, don't I? I just don't want to get too caught up in the whirlwind of wedding planning and engagement parties. I think there is a very fine line between being overly-anxious and very excited for the brides-to-be. I don't want to cross it. Okay, is it that obvious? I'm a little freaked out. Just a little. I mean, getting married is one of the biggest decisions ever, right? Hmmm... my two best friends and I always said that I would be the last to get married. I've been the last in everything... to have a boyfriend, to be kissed, and probably to be married. I'm perfectly okay with that. I'm the youngest out of the three of us (not that it matters too much). But anyways, I'm content with dating Matt and I love him to pieces and I'm sure he feels the same... and that's what matters.
:)
Below (in order) Bride #1
Bride #2
Bride #2 (middle) with future brides #3 and #4...

My hair is dripping wet.
I want to take photography classes... I'm not getting better and I want to be better... like a lot better.
I want to make more necklaces
and move out of my house within the next year.
Grow up.

too busy.

I've been too busy to write. My journal is barren. I hate that it is... I wish it was filled with wonderful words and insights on life. But, it's not. It's barren. I guess I've been preoccupied. You could say that. I mean, it occurred to me that I haven't even had a chance to think any worthy thoughts to write about. It's been a straight line and I'm in need of a little something; a jolt of life up in here. Do you know what I mean? I was really excited last Friday when a guy from church had a vision for me. The vision was about dreams and visions, but he also said something about writing songs. It made me think (yes, I suppose I am doing some thinking). I should pray about what he said. I haven't.
I can't wait for the beach; for the warm sand and the walks to the pier and the sandwiches and the sunshine. I can't wait for Elizabeth to get here; to have amazing conversations and to sing to those songs and to stay up late. I can't wait to finally be excited about school and to be creative and happy. I just can't wait. It's all coming soon though :D You know those plans that God has for me, I'm so excited for all of them; so excited!

what would you do?

You see, I have this friend who wants to go to Africa for a missions trip. He sent me a letter asking for money. That's normal. People do that when they are trying to raise money for trips like these. I didn't send him any money for different reasons. First off, I don't have any money. Not like... I spent money on 5 Starbucks over the past 3 days and now I'm broke. I have no money as in I bought gas and a burrito one day and now I'm broke. -.79 cents broke. But, this isn't about me being broke. Anyways, I didn't sent him money because I don't have any. But, I have other reasons too. I don't see this friend of mine too often. He's a nice guy, but we're not close. Once he asked me to go to a concert with him and his friends and he said that they were going to meet us there and they never came. I think it was on purpose. I get tricked into things. That wasn't the first time something like that has happened to me. But, yet again, this is about that. It's about the fact that whenever I see this friend of mine, he is drinking. He is drinking a lot. He spills things on people who end up throwing up later. He is with people who don't know Jesus and who could very well have a problem with alcohol. I know I'm not the judge of anything. I'm really not even saying that he is a bad person. We all do bad things, right? But, I'm not sure if I want to give money to someone for the purpose of spreading the love of Jesus who appears to be living in sin every time I see him. I sin. I do. I sin all the time. And, I work on it. I feel guilty when I sin. I strive toward righteousness. This could be the case for him too; maybe this is what he struggles with. He could be striving. It could be that I catch him in his weakness every time I'm with him. So, what would you do? If you had the money, would you give it to him? Would you say, "Right on, this is a perfect opportunity for you to show who Jesus is to people in Africa?" I don't know if it's what I want to say or if it is what I should be saying. If you can't show the love of God to alcoholics at home... how will you love people in Africa? Or is he showing God's love by getting drunk with non-believers? It's a fine line I think. It may seem like I'm attempting to scold him. I'm not. Instead, I'm questioning his lifestyle because I want him to go to Africa. I want him to represent Jesus. Is he doing this? He questions why he isn't get any funds to go and maybe other people are thinking exactly what I am. But, you know, I know nothing at all... and I say that with sincerity.

Time

There is none. Maybe spring break...
can't wait.
I'm consumed with
365
days
of
pictures.

I was on your porch, the smoke it sank in.

I was looking at pictures of people I used to know. They were my friends or something like that. It's interesting to see how things split apart; people split apart. We go different directions to different places. It all seemed to work out. But, there was a time when I would have panicked at the thought of driving away from a church other than that one, with a boy other than him, with friends that were different than those ones. I thought I had it all figured out. I thought I knew. They thought they knew. That boy will always date that girl. That friend will always be there. We won't ever leave the comfort of our self-righteous clique. We can cover up our wrong-doings and no one will ever know. But the world saw through it. And I wish I would have too. Now things are so perfectly different. It never fit... as hard as I tried; as hard as we all tried. Little did I know, happiness was waiting right around the corner. I'm sure they could say the same, thankfully.

that thing called artsy.

I get these cravings. Oh they are so good; I get inspired to make things and to paint things and to decorate and to cut out paper and to glue it together and make it beautiful. It's a passion. A passion to make things pretty; to make them pretty with beads and color. I wish I was more useful, besides the fact that I can make things beautiful. I could go crazy with it, you know. I have all these insane ideas that I wish I could make into realities. Well, I know that I can make them into realities. It's just a matter of discipline and of time. Both of which I am working on. I work on things, that's for sure. I'm a mess. But, I sure can make myself into a beautiful mess. I mess that has all these ideals and visions of this amazing and artful future but doesn't quite know how to achieve it. That's okay though. It's part of the beauty I assume. Sometimes I wish I had it all planned out, but that would suck the fun out of figuring out what step to take next. Who knows where I will go and what I will do. But, I'm determined to make whatever it is that God has so called me to do glorious. So fabulously and excitingly glorious. I won't sit behind a desk or bend myself into a cookie cutter version of someone else. I'm bound to be creative. To design. To transform. To beautify. And that's just what I will do, whatever that may be. It's a sense of freedom. A sense of letting go. A sense of escape. It's fresh. It's new. It's what I strive for.

Simple happiness.

Daisies are my favorite. Aren't they pretty? They're just so happy. And photoshopped (just because it was dark in my room)... although the real ones are just as wonderful.

And so is the boy who gave them to me.

Someday Thoughts

As I went to open this page for blogger, I saw a title on msn called, "Most Costly Divorce Mistakes." It makes me wonder- it just does. It makes me wonder because half of the American population could read that article and relate. And how sad! I wish that weren't true. But, really, would this world be a better place if those people were married? Would it be that people had more character or integrity or discipline? Would they learn to be in love? Or would it be different? Would it be that more people were abused and more children lived in a place they shouldn't- in a place that was consumed with fights and yelling and disagreements? I'm just not sure. I'm a lucky one I would say. I've been lucky. I only say this because I know that my parents love each other and I know that they took marriage as a serious commitment. That's not to say that not everyone does. Maybe they were just lucky. But, I think it was more than luck. I think it was more than an un-made mistake. But of course I want to see it this way. They're my parents. They're mine and they're my example of love. They have been and will be... even if I choose to do things a little bit different. They did something right along the way. It's a tough conflict that I fight in my head though. The conflict that my ultimate recipe for a successful marriage would be to love God- to live like you love God. I'm not sure if my parents would say the same thing. But, I've never seen them have a hard time with being married to each other. Maybe it's just because they have had a lot of practice. I can only remember little fights... well fights that seem little to me in perspective because I've had far more issues in a past relationship than I've ever seen my parents have. One time my mom threw grape juice at my dad. It stained the walls. It took a lot of paint to cover it up and I know that my dad hates to paint. I don't remember what they fought about though. I just remember that I was always told that I would get to go to grandma's whenever they had little arguments (which wasn't often). I would get so excited but we never went. Maybe that's why they're successful. Or maybe it isn't a matter of success. I tend to think it's a matter of love on different levels. But, ultimately a matter of the love you have for God and how that enables you to love one another. That's what I'm going off of. It seems to be the only thing I've needed so far in my life. I like to think that everything else falls under that simplicity. I do feel a little naive about all of this though. Maybe it's because I haven't been married. And there isn't one solution. And how my parents have made things work might not be the same way I want to make things work someday. Not that they have failed- far from it. I just have this idea in my head. And it's good.

short term memory

This is a story about my fish. We're a lot alike- my fish and I. I so badly wish we weren't because fish are mostly stupid. Today I put new water in its bowl and faced the extremely hard task of catching her. She did not want to be taken into the nice plastic container that I planned for her to live in while I made her mansion of a glass bowl clean. Like me, she doesn't like when things change and when she has to swim around in something less than she's used to. But, I caught her... after a lot of hard work. (What I really need is one of those net scooper things.) Well, I washed out her bowl... and all the marbles that she loves. She really does like them. I also dropped a marble down the garbage disposal and had to reach my hand down it and get it back. Disgusting; all for the sake of my fishes happiness. Well, after making everything so nice and pretty for her (and for me), I tried to dump as much water as possible from the plastic container down the drain so her new water would be clean when I put her back in. She didn't like that. She freaked out. But, she is so dumb... because I was just trying to make things better for her. And what I'm really trying to say, which I'm failing terribly at doing, is that I'm like her. I freak out sometimes and squirm around when I don't have my ideal situation. But, I shouldn't... because just around the corner is something awesome... like a big clean bowl for a tiny little fish. Well, I know she's happy now. She's swimming around and staring at herself in the glass and I think she probably has already forgotten how she was so uncomfortable earlier today. But anyways, I'm smarter than a fish and I think that's always important to remember. You're smarter than a fish too. And that means that I shouldn't squirm so much when things don't go how I like. And I should remember just how much God is in control. Because, you know, I'm like God to my fish... and I saved her from dying in mucky water and allowed her to see herself in that shiny glass bowl of hers. And in human terms, God has done that for me. He's allowed me to see myself clearly and he has saved my from all that yucky stuff. But, like my fish, I easily forget and squirm... and all the while I'm sure God is thinking, "Lauren, I'm just dumping out your dirty water so you will be happy."

dear you,

These are things that made today so awesome... (there's a lot of things)
*Sleeping in
*Kickin' it in bed until noon writing in the notebook revival, thinking, and having no where that I needed to be or anyone I needed to be talking to.
*Picking my sister up from the airport and being able to talk to her about things. And the best part was... that we both had the same idea about something which is rare. She gave me good advice that I would give myself. Usually we have different opinions about things but I'm so happy we were both thinking the same thing... which just proves more and more that prayer is amazing and real.
*Hiking and seeing the beautiful Pacific Ocean, talking to fun friends, and just doing something I don't get to do everyday.
*Eating super good pizza after hiking. Hmm Yum.
*Talking to a boy when I got back to the church where my car was. I made that sound like I don't talk to boys :) But, ya know... I like talking to this one more than others possibly...
*Delicious mud pie. (man, a lot of this awesomeness is about eating)
*Washing my hair in the shower for so much longer than it needed to be washed. This is one of my favorite things to do... I love it... and I love when people play with my hair. But, not to worry, no one was playing with my hair in the shower besides myself.
*Not caring when my brother decided to be rude and be in a horrible mood. I know who's to blame... and I hope that ends soon because I really would like my wonderful brother back. She sucks all the happiness and silliness right out of him.
*Not worrying that I have absolutely no idea what happened to the two boxes that I have my school things in... and that I start school tomorrow. Eh, I'll find them sooner or later. Hopefully sooner rather than later.
*Reading about Abraham and Sarah. I really like reading about Abraham and Sarah. More Abraham than Sarah though because she was dumb sometimes... like how she got so envious of Hagar and mistreated her. Hagar's my favorite. Well, not my absolute favorite, but she's up there. Anyways, I haven't read Genesis in a while and I like it.
*Last day of Christmas break....

With love,
Lauren

possible impossiblity

That's it. It just can't be good for a girl... those stupid chick flicks. I don't know what sort of secret messages Hollywood is mixing into those movies, but it just can't be healthy. I have a love-hate sort of relationship with them... that fake ideal that every girl wants but I don't think ever really gets (and if she did get it would probably be miserably unhappy). I'm not cynical. I'm just sure that reality is better in the end. Grrr. But, I'm still a sucker... and I still watch them... even though I know they do this crazy thing to my head and maybe my heart. But... Hollywood is just so good at it. The moral of the story is that whatever love story I'm the star in will be far better than Hollywood can produce.

My friends are great and I love them. Haha- I sound like I'm in middle school. But, sometimes that's okay.

sweet nothings

I love that term by the way. Sweet nothings.
Everything inside of me wants to play the I wish game. But, that's only allowed with my two favorite girls.
Sleep is good. Naps are not. Sometimes.
I want. Maybe I can play the I want game.
Or the I can game.
Both are good.

I can wins.(this is the god effect. in case you wanted to know. that light thing with the clouds- it's called the god effect. I wrote about it in my alphabet journal and if I like you I might let you read about it.)

I can learn to fly an airplane if I want. Alpha, Bravo, Charlie, Delta...
I can write letters to people I love.
I can sing.
I can miss work tomorrow.
I can be a good big sister.
I can be a good little sister.
I can love Jesus with everything in me.
I can let it go.
I can get straight a's.
I can say no.
I can play the piano.
I can learn more.
I can read more.
I can talk less.
I can talk more.
I can forgive that person.
I can dance in front of a lot of people.
I can lead.
I can say what I think.
I can be more diligent.
I can stand up to that person.
I can tell them it's not a joke.
I can tell my sister that she can always be the center of attention if that's what she needs.
I can graduate college.
I can move out.
I can drive across the country.
I can watch the sunrise tomorrow morning.
I can pray more and talk less.
I can be on time.
I can wait.
I can be patient.
I can love.
I can speak the truth.
I can be bold.
I can have my own company.
I can love what I do.
I can be successful.
I can write the book I want to write.
I can bake cupcakes all day if I want.
I can relax.
I can show my heart.
I can listen to what people say.
I can have passion.
I can have drive.
I can paint what I see.
I can be a risk taker.
I can walk the fine line.
I can be less prudish.
And more loving.
I can tell my dad that I'm so happy he loves me.
I can tell my mom that I loved that she packed lunches for me my entire life.
I can smile more.
I can be the woman that I want to become.
I can desire righteousness.
I can be made fun of.
I can leap more.
I can spin in circles and giggle.
I can be faithful.
I can admit when I'm wrong.
I can be independent.
I can quit things and start new things.
I can travel.
I can decorate my own house.
I can picture it all.
I can frame the photos I love.
I can write on the walls.
I can have more fun.
I can be free.
I can go on and on.

maybe too personal

I just finished my first business card. I mean, the first one I've done all on my own. woo hoo! Thanks to Kyle for the program and Matt for basically setting up the first one for me. I'm hoping I did everything right and it won't have to be changed a ton when it gets sent to be printed.

Sometimes I think I'm too patient. Maybe patient is not the right word. I think being patient is a good thing... who wants to be one of those people who flip out when they have to wait for something? Like the people you see at Starbucks who tap their foot because they have to wait two minutes for their mocha? Well, I guess I'm not talking about that sort of patience. I'm talking about long term, just live your life, don't worry about it, it will happen when it does patience. You know that kind? I have to wait to graduate, wait to get a job that I love, wait to move out, wait to know who I'll marry and it goes on. I say wait to know my husband because I'm fighting against becoming one of those typical girls who unknowingly can't wait to fall in love; the type that think being married is a solution. Well, I'm really not going to become one of them. The majority of me thinks that I'm young, that I have an entire lifetime to do those things- the moving out and working and graduating and being in love things. But, there is still a bit of me that screams that it's been long enough... that I'm too patient... that I let people walk all over me... that I'm not ambitious enough. And it might just be that I need a combination of both- of ambition and patience. I'm still working on figuring that out. But you know, there is always something to figure out. That's life I think. It would be totally boring if we had everything figured out. But, it shouldn't stop us from getting what we really want. And this makes me question a lot that happens. Of course things seem so much sweeter when you wait to have them. If we got everything we wanted when we wanted it, what joy would that be? But, it's the confidence that things will be right eventually that makes me hopeful. And, I'm positive that they will be perfect. That's faith... being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. But, you know... I'm not really sure of where I'm going with this. I don't have a big conclusion. Just that I shouldn't worry so much; that I should rely on God with more confidence... and that I shouldn't be so patiently blinded by the reality of some things. The reality that if someone really wanted something they would go after it; knowing there will always be something more to figure out. But maybe I'm all wrong and time makes things better and wiser. Or that the best way to get what you really want is to give it time. I'm just not sure.

more lipgloss and eyeliner

It all starts off so innocently. "You aren't doing anything wrong, We're just having fun, Doesn't it feel good to have guys want you?, Flirt with him and he'll buy you a drink." But before you know it, you're hearing slurred words proclaim that you're beautiful and requests to be touched all over. And that's not the way I roll. What I'm trying to say is that it's a sly game. No, I wasn't directly doing anything wrong. If I was with Elizabeth it would have been fine. If it was Anna it would have been okay. But, I wasn't with them. I was sending a message that what was going on around me wasn't wrong; that it was normal; that it was fun. But, it's so temporary. Sure, it may be flattering and it may be exciting. But, it's empty. So empty. And it isn't what I want. It isn't what anyone really wants. I don't have a void. I don't need boys to try to dance with me. I don't need to give out fake phone numbers to feel satisfied. I don't need another vodka cran. I don't need to be grabbed and I don't need to seek for something that I already have. It's deeper than they think. It's playing on them and they don't even know. It's just another picture for the scrapbook. It's just another story to tell. But, they're missing it all. I am not them and they need to know. Because, what I have they want.

You are the light of the world. A city on a hill can not be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead, they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house.
Matthew 5:14-15

change. I want to shine and I will.

timing.

exhausted. me, I am exhausted.

I had starbucks this afternoon... like the other millions of Americans out there. But, it wasn't the drink I enjoyed so much but the random guy that started talking to me. He was old and friendly and normally I would just giggle and sort of walk away... because I would have thought talking to a man in starbucks I don't know is weird. But, he was so nice. He started talking about the weather. It's funny how the weather can bring about conversations. But, I can almost say it was the best part of my day. I was tired and thinking about how sometimes I can be so passionate about God and at other times feel sustained but not so alive. And this man was a blessing. He really was. I just stood there thinking that God must have sent him. I mean, he didn't say anything spectacular. He told me that he was saved in a Baptist youth group in Colorado when he was young. He also said that he didn't ski but ice fished. Well, somehow I said that God gives us power. It fit in our conversation somewhere... and He encouraged me to remember that. He told me that I was vulnerable right now because I just came from camp (which scared me a little) and to stay strong. I guess it was what I needed. I can't explain more than that. But, it was what I was searching for I assume and God just handed it to me. I will guiltily admit that I was bummed that I hadn't heard God as much as I wanted to at camp... but I was there for girls and God used me. It's hard to see sometimes I think- when God uses you. But, I am so thankful for camp and that I was able to speak truth to girls who need it. And God gave me what I needed when I got home.

Well, I've fallen behind on the bible in a year plan. I'm catching up though... not to worry. I'm sure you were worried :) But, it just occurred to me how the devil is oh so sly. Stupid devil. I hate you. I was reading Malachi about how God will always out-give us. I picture God just standing there with his hands on his hips with an enormous smile saying, "Test me in this and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have room for it." And then He laughs... because it must be a fun game for Him. Like... helllllo.... haha.... you can't give me as much as I give you. Want to play again?!" And this is why I love God so much.

But, back to why the devil is so stupid. While I'm reading this and thoroughly enjoying this role play in my head... mr. ex-boyfriend #1 decides to call me... and he's not sober... and casually mentioned something I just didn't want to hear. I just thought... it's from the devil. I know what you're thinking... how is that from the devil? Hearing something you don't want to hear? Well, let me just tell you... that my precious and fun God time was interrupted with this stupid distraction. And can I just say that God didn't like that? But, I have good news... the devil was pretty much just slammed. Wham! I wish there was scripture that said, "God told the devil, 'Umm... I don't think so. Who do you think you are?! Yeah, that's right. You lose again."

Man, I don't know what's happened to me. It must be the lack of sleep.