The walk was amazing. Just wanted you to know. It was so cold at first and I was all alone... and I thought about turning back. But, it was so much fun! It was dark and I walked to almost the end of the street... to another street (which I don't want to say because I feel like stalkers could read this) and there is an amazing view. Seriously. I just wanted to stand there and look at the city... but I kept walking. God is just so good. I can't even describe the emotion that is attached to that statement. There is just something awesome about spending time talking to God and being thankful for the places He puts you. I am blessed. So so so blessed. I felt at peace... there was just something about it. That feeling... that feeling that I want so badly for everyone in the world to understand. Ohhhh so good.

smack

I'm thinking about going for a walk. A prayer walk maybe. This neighborhood is full of walkers and I might just become one. Granted, most of them are older or younger... with strollers or almost to the years of walkers and canes. But, maybe I'll break the mold. I actually despise them a little. I have to watch for them so I don't hit any with my car. If that were to happen to anyone- nailing someone with their car- it would be me. I don't look... I just reverse. Hmm.

Drove by the old street today on some errands. It hasn't hit yet. Maybe it won't.

Things are strange all over the place. This house. My old friends and where they're at. My new friends and who they are. The boys that like me. The boy I like. The apathetic school semester being over. How insanely reliant I've been on God. How things have a million different ways they could go. Boxes and unfinished walls. A new year starting soon. Curiosity.

Sometimes I wish I didn't know exactly what I wanted.
Other days that's an entirely different story.
Surprise me.

really now...

This is my first real day here. I vacuumed my old house today. It felt empty and alone. It was cold (something that I won’t miss). I felt like I was cleaning someone else’s home. I guess that’s a good thing; a weird but good thing. Last night was hard for me. I’m getting sick and I was exhausted… which doesn’t help things. I probably shouldn’t think about the old house at all. Besides that, I just wanted to be with him. I know I said I am happy to be doing this on my own; to know that I can do this on my own. But, I still wanted to call him. I wanted to be held. I know that sounds so silly. Like I need to be held, right? Like he would even hold me?! It makes me mad that I even think things like that still. I think it would have made me feel better though- to be snuggling. Instead, I was in my cold bed with a headache in a room that isn’t mine. Soon my room will be ready and things will start seeming normal again. But today, things aren’t normal for me. I’m tired of this adventure; thinking that things will be easy. I’ve had a good attitude about moving even though everything inside of me is scared and screaming that I don’t want to do this. I know that it’s something that I need to go through. I just never pictured it being this way… with my parents… and all my things in boxes for weeks… and my brother not wanting to be in the same room as me… and a house that is half-way finished. It has been fun at times though, don’t get me wrong. I just pictured moving in with girls or getting married before I ever left that house. Hah! Really though, I’m not as unhappy as I’m leading you to believe. But, I don’t even want to walk in the kitchen barefoot. I don’t even know where I could find a spoon. Or a pair of socks. My feelings about the idea of something new keeps changing. But, like I’ve been told, it’s good for me. People do this- they move and survive. I’m pretty sure I will. But… just pretty sure. I might not. I might decide to break into my old house and take over my old room. I would probably get arrested! Fitting, I’m listening to a song that says “I can’t make it alone, I want to come home.” That was completely unplanned. I haven’t heard this band before, but it was an amazing present that my boss gave me! Just a part of the music he gave me, which is pretty awesome. It definitely was one of my favorite Christmas presents.
Well, hopefully my mama gets home soon so I can check my grades and my e-mail (something I haven’t been able to do for the last few days). She has the Ethernet cord that I need in the back of her car. Whatever that is… haha… I wish I knew more about computers… I can usually figure things out though… I just don’t the terms… like Ethernet. To me, it’s just that cord that I need. Hopefully the wireless will be running soon. My throat is killing me. Just wanted you to know. And now, I’m just complaining. Although there is a lot to complain about... I shouldn't. I've already done enough of that in this blog.

We're close to a donut shop. My brother gave this one to me... even though he didn't have to... it's one of the nicest things he has done in the last few days. This picture is pretty bad. But... this is the most set-up I've done in this room... donut.... cd player clock connected to my computer... nightstand with my notes on the side... the lamp that makes my room glow... I love that glow...

Random picturas

If I could remember why we thought this mustard was so cool I would tell you.
I celebrated being 21 that night.
Not that it makes not remembering things ok.
Or looking really horrible in pictures ok either.

I stole that glass I am holding.
I don't think I was sly about it either.
It was a birthday present to myself.
That still doesn't make it a good thing
or a right thing.
I don't condone stealing.
Apparently my mother has stolen a lot of glasses from places in her wilder days.
Hah.
Something I found out after taking the glass home...
like mother like daughter maybe?

Speaking of my mother...
this is her.
She's pretty.
You can't tell so much in this picture because she is far away.
This will be my brother's room
...and my room for a few weeks.
Oh, the fun that will be
:)

The red wall.
The future living room.
The future flooring.
Do you see that funky cone looking light?
It will be mine.
I've claimed it.
It's vintage circa 1960.
Maybe.
It's old.
And mine.

Tingly feet. Ouch!

I picked out my bedroom colors today! I am painting the wall behind my bed blue (second from the left in the picture). I could explain to you exactly what I am going to do with my bedroom... but I think it would totally bore you... whoever you may be. So... you'll just have to wait to see it :D But... I will give you a sneak peek of the awesome bird stencil that I am putting by my window. It's a little weird, I know. But, I have an idea... and when I have ideas they usually turn out okay... when it comes to decorating :D

This is my bathroom. Well, my future bathroom. My job today was scraping off sticky and smelly wallpaper. It takes a really long time. But, I felt like I was being helpful... and now I know how to do it and don't want to ever again... and I got to make a big mess and get wallpaper glue all over myself. That's something you don't get to do everyday! :D
[click here for fun notes about this picture]

This getting ready to move thing is quite crazy. I don't think that my family does it quite like any other...
we demo things and build new walls and do other things that I don't even know the names for. But, today was more fun than I thought it would be. And... I always pictured myself moving and having that boy with me. But, he's not... and I'm excited knowing that I'm doing this on my own! Woooo! Well, of course I'm not really on my own... but in that aspect of life.... I am! It isn't so bad at all... even if.... things could be different.
:D

The view.

themeless

move move shake shake now drop like your momma said.
I'm guilty. It's bad, I know. Strippers? But... I just like the move move shake shake drop part. These are top secret things you get to find out when you read my blog; courtesy of me. I try not to listen to music that's dirty if I can help it. It really does change the way you look at the world.

Anyways...

I'm ready. That's what I'm saying... but I will leave that for another time.
But, here is something for you this time.


There are so many serious things that I think about as far as dating goes. You know, those important things like loving God and being responsible and reliable; those scary things for guys to hear but that girls could talk about forever. Well, I want an adventure. Of course all of those things are important and I won't settle for less than I deserve. But, life isn't a burden. I won't settle for that. Not at all. Life is so fun and beautiful and hidden with surprises and things to be explored and loved. How I wish everyone could see this! I smile at the expectations that I have. They're good ones... that I've forgotten in the moment at times... but still remain... *smile*

I'm being pursued by a boy you could say. I'm not interested, at all. But, it makes me think about how God pursues us. How, like this boy, God wants to talk to us every day. He wants to tell us how much he likes us. He even tells us how intriguing we are. He wants to invite us to meet with Him; to relax with Him. And, even when we don't want to respond, He still does. And, like any nice pursuer, God doesn't force us to pursue Him back. Sometimes we don't. But, He still goes after our hearts. He still chases us. I can sing praises to Him for that! He is just so good. I'm so happy He loves me this much... and so happy that He is the one I want to be pursued by.

My best friends amaze me. I love them. I just walked around Barnes and Noble with Lizzy. We've been doing this forever. Since we met, really. We don't buy anything. Well, we usually don't. We just look at books and talk about things. Sounds boring, right? It so isn't. It's just one of those things that make me love our friendship. Off subject, I love journals. They are my favorite thing. If I had to choose a favorite thing that would be it. I'm very particular. This is the one I like that I saw tonight.

goodnight.

Sweet Release and Sweet Honey Nut

All I need now is a big comfy chair. And maybe a cup of chai tea. Ohhh, this life is full of sweet surprises. That is my word for the day: sweet. That's just what today has been... perfectly sweet... in silly little ways.
I have a million things to stress about and I could list them here but I think that would take away from my day. So, I won't. Oh, where should I start? I've been praying about a lot of things, but one thing in particular that I have felt so burdened with. I've asked why. I've stressed. I've worried about it. I've thought about it. I've analyzed it over and over. But, today I have been released! Yes, sweet release! It's something that God didn't pry from me or rip from my heart. But, He gently and so subtly showed me that it wasn't what I want. And, although I've asked for Him to take it away everyday for a long while, I wanted to let it go. That's it. I just wanted to drop it and not pick it up again. Of course my desires haven't gone away completely, but it wasn't something that I was thinking... "God, seriously... if you want it you can have it, but I reallllly want it and that's not very nice of you to take it." Instead, I was thinking, "Yes God! You're right! I don't want this!" It was a surprise even to me. Thank you God. I'm hoping tomorrow I will feel the same way. Hehe. Release! Yes! :D
I went Christmas shopping with my mom and we came across everything we needed. I'm getting awesome presents too! Everyone in my family chose a name, something we've never done... but we're mixing it up. My mom chose me. AND- I'm getting a Harry Potter book. I know that I'm not supposed to know, but I was with her. I chose my dad. I found what he asked for which is actually something that isn't easy to find. So, that was great! Christmas this year will be the last at this house and it will be bitter-sweet. I am going to try to make it more sweet than bitter though.
And, last and possibly least, the boy in which I met who I don't know at all called me his sweet honey nut cheerio. Oh, what he doesn't know is that I absolutely hate little corny names like that. And I'm not his. But still, it emphasizes my word of the day: sweet!

Seeking

Last night I was lying on my bed listening. Sometimes, I just want to listen because I miss the call to do that so often. I search so hard for answers by prayer and reading but I forget to listen. I think it's hard because it seems like God doesn't always speak to you when you set aside time to listen... the things that speak go somewhere along the line of this: "Oh, I forgot to call so-and-so back, hmm, I wonder if my sister had fun on her trip, maybe I will pass that class if I ace the final, hmmm, oh wait... I'm listening...". It takes a lot to listen. Well, I can successfully say that I listened and God spoke. My to-do list didn't. I had this crazy vision-like thing. I'm not good at the God-terms for things like this. Visions and intercessory and prophesy are all terms that sound so big and scary. Anyways, I had this vision/feeling. I saw myself lying there... searching and broken and needy... and there was a string that ran from my heart to God's. Wherever God was I assume. Somewhere up. Which is a funny, almost a childish thing to say- that God is up. But, in this instance He was up. That's where He was. He was showing me that we were attached. That my heart was tied to His. That He was feeling what I was feeling. That He was feeling it because He loves me. That my heart is His. It was incredible. I know it probably doesn't sound like it, but it really was incredible. It spoke amazing things to me about what I've been struggling with lately. And it was good. It pulled my heart- that string of His. And now that I think about it, that's probably why He was up.

Things to do

I end up being boring sometimes. I don't try to be. These are some things I want to do over Christmas break:
-Make a scarf for a friend. A certain friend in particular that I've owed a scarf to for quite a few years.
-Paint what I was thinking about the other day- something much more of my style compared to the last. Techniques can be for something else. Sign up for a painting class at adult ed. too!
-Read at least one Harry Potter book. I just don't have time to... and now I will... well... after work. Also, finish Captivating. Amazing book. And finish Healing for the Heart (also amazing- all about women in the Bible).
-Decorate my new room after the move. I already have it planned out in my head. That's one great thing about moving- I get to play interior designer... oh a passion of mine. People probably think I'm crazy for being so excited about it.
-Get a membership to the gym... I want those abs. enough said...
-Work and save money. Yes!
-Quit something. Something that it just too secretive as of now to say on this very public blog.
-Register for classes that are going to be spectacular. I'm planning on kicking some SDSU butt when I start in the spring. Spring is always a good time to do that :D
-Hide those secret notes all over San Diego. I've been wanting to do that.
-Look into studying abroad and do it. I'm hoping this summer. It will be my last summer to... so weird, huh?
More ideas to come...

Moving

My room is freezing. It's empty. Well, almost. My shelves are packed... my bookshelves... and my nightstand... and pictures and candles and little things.... and well... I guess that's it. But, it seems empty. Little things make me feel good and now there are just big brown boxes and plastic containers. Oh, and journals. It's exciting to be able to pack everything. I'm more excited than I thought I would be! But, after I finished off box #14 (they're small) I realized that I wasn't going to be unpacking anything back on my shelves. I will have new shelves and a new room with new paint. It's good. A little scary... seeing as my room is the only one I've known. A lot has happened in that room. I remember spilling mint chocolate chip ice cream in the corner when I was little and not telling my parents because I thought I would be in trouble. I put a trash can over it. They found out. Anyways, I've done a lot of monumental things in that room; things that are more important than spilled ice cream. But, it's going to be a new phase for me... this moving thing. And maybe someday soon I will really be able to move out... not just move elsewhere. Oh, patience is a virtue. Well, life has been changing and I'm going with the flow. There isn't any other way for me to go :D

Agony.

It's the second night of not being able to fall asleep. I've tried it all. I brushed my teeth. I washed my face. I put on those fuzzy socks that make me feel better. I've read my Bible. I've prayed. I've journaled. I've listened to that worship song I like so much. I've squished my head into my pillow and I've bent myself in every possible position and still no sleep. And then that sweatshirt that usually brings me comfort started to feel like it was strangling me. That was the pivotal moment in which I knew I wasn't going to fall asleep any time soon... because I started to imagine scenarios and what-ifs. This is never a good sign for peaceful sleep. The what-ifs always lead me to those things that I could have done differently. But, really, would they have made a difference? Maybe. And then the questions bombard me and I become upset. How long will I have to wait? Will he ever realize what could be so good? Have I not listened to God? Will He give me more than momentary joy? Yes. Yes is always my answer. But how long will this trial last? When will that normal feeling come back? How can I experience so much of you one day and hardly anything the next? What should I have learned when this happened or that happened? When will I see your promises fulfilled? And the questions continue... sometimes repeating... but usually new ones that tick away at the precious time I have to rest. That precious time that I shouldn't be worried about such things.

(Picture from girlhula)