Time

There is none. Maybe spring break...
can't wait.
I'm consumed with
365
days
of
pictures.

I was on your porch, the smoke it sank in.

I was looking at pictures of people I used to know. They were my friends or something like that. It's interesting to see how things split apart; people split apart. We go different directions to different places. It all seemed to work out. But, there was a time when I would have panicked at the thought of driving away from a church other than that one, with a boy other than him, with friends that were different than those ones. I thought I had it all figured out. I thought I knew. They thought they knew. That boy will always date that girl. That friend will always be there. We won't ever leave the comfort of our self-righteous clique. We can cover up our wrong-doings and no one will ever know. But the world saw through it. And I wish I would have too. Now things are so perfectly different. It never fit... as hard as I tried; as hard as we all tried. Little did I know, happiness was waiting right around the corner. I'm sure they could say the same, thankfully.

that thing called artsy.

I get these cravings. Oh they are so good; I get inspired to make things and to paint things and to decorate and to cut out paper and to glue it together and make it beautiful. It's a passion. A passion to make things pretty; to make them pretty with beads and color. I wish I was more useful, besides the fact that I can make things beautiful. I could go crazy with it, you know. I have all these insane ideas that I wish I could make into realities. Well, I know that I can make them into realities. It's just a matter of discipline and of time. Both of which I am working on. I work on things, that's for sure. I'm a mess. But, I sure can make myself into a beautiful mess. I mess that has all these ideals and visions of this amazing and artful future but doesn't quite know how to achieve it. That's okay though. It's part of the beauty I assume. Sometimes I wish I had it all planned out, but that would suck the fun out of figuring out what step to take next. Who knows where I will go and what I will do. But, I'm determined to make whatever it is that God has so called me to do glorious. So fabulously and excitingly glorious. I won't sit behind a desk or bend myself into a cookie cutter version of someone else. I'm bound to be creative. To design. To transform. To beautify. And that's just what I will do, whatever that may be. It's a sense of freedom. A sense of letting go. A sense of escape. It's fresh. It's new. It's what I strive for.

Simple happiness.

Daisies are my favorite. Aren't they pretty? They're just so happy. And photoshopped (just because it was dark in my room)... although the real ones are just as wonderful.

And so is the boy who gave them to me.

Someday Thoughts

As I went to open this page for blogger, I saw a title on msn called, "Most Costly Divorce Mistakes." It makes me wonder- it just does. It makes me wonder because half of the American population could read that article and relate. And how sad! I wish that weren't true. But, really, would this world be a better place if those people were married? Would it be that people had more character or integrity or discipline? Would they learn to be in love? Or would it be different? Would it be that more people were abused and more children lived in a place they shouldn't- in a place that was consumed with fights and yelling and disagreements? I'm just not sure. I'm a lucky one I would say. I've been lucky. I only say this because I know that my parents love each other and I know that they took marriage as a serious commitment. That's not to say that not everyone does. Maybe they were just lucky. But, I think it was more than luck. I think it was more than an un-made mistake. But of course I want to see it this way. They're my parents. They're mine and they're my example of love. They have been and will be... even if I choose to do things a little bit different. They did something right along the way. It's a tough conflict that I fight in my head though. The conflict that my ultimate recipe for a successful marriage would be to love God- to live like you love God. I'm not sure if my parents would say the same thing. But, I've never seen them have a hard time with being married to each other. Maybe it's just because they have had a lot of practice. I can only remember little fights... well fights that seem little to me in perspective because I've had far more issues in a past relationship than I've ever seen my parents have. One time my mom threw grape juice at my dad. It stained the walls. It took a lot of paint to cover it up and I know that my dad hates to paint. I don't remember what they fought about though. I just remember that I was always told that I would get to go to grandma's whenever they had little arguments (which wasn't often). I would get so excited but we never went. Maybe that's why they're successful. Or maybe it isn't a matter of success. I tend to think it's a matter of love on different levels. But, ultimately a matter of the love you have for God and how that enables you to love one another. That's what I'm going off of. It seems to be the only thing I've needed so far in my life. I like to think that everything else falls under that simplicity. I do feel a little naive about all of this though. Maybe it's because I haven't been married. And there isn't one solution. And how my parents have made things work might not be the same way I want to make things work someday. Not that they have failed- far from it. I just have this idea in my head. And it's good.

short term memory

This is a story about my fish. We're a lot alike- my fish and I. I so badly wish we weren't because fish are mostly stupid. Today I put new water in its bowl and faced the extremely hard task of catching her. She did not want to be taken into the nice plastic container that I planned for her to live in while I made her mansion of a glass bowl clean. Like me, she doesn't like when things change and when she has to swim around in something less than she's used to. But, I caught her... after a lot of hard work. (What I really need is one of those net scooper things.) Well, I washed out her bowl... and all the marbles that she loves. She really does like them. I also dropped a marble down the garbage disposal and had to reach my hand down it and get it back. Disgusting; all for the sake of my fishes happiness. Well, after making everything so nice and pretty for her (and for me), I tried to dump as much water as possible from the plastic container down the drain so her new water would be clean when I put her back in. She didn't like that. She freaked out. But, she is so dumb... because I was just trying to make things better for her. And what I'm really trying to say, which I'm failing terribly at doing, is that I'm like her. I freak out sometimes and squirm around when I don't have my ideal situation. But, I shouldn't... because just around the corner is something awesome... like a big clean bowl for a tiny little fish. Well, I know she's happy now. She's swimming around and staring at herself in the glass and I think she probably has already forgotten how she was so uncomfortable earlier today. But anyways, I'm smarter than a fish and I think that's always important to remember. You're smarter than a fish too. And that means that I shouldn't squirm so much when things don't go how I like. And I should remember just how much God is in control. Because, you know, I'm like God to my fish... and I saved her from dying in mucky water and allowed her to see herself in that shiny glass bowl of hers. And in human terms, God has done that for me. He's allowed me to see myself clearly and he has saved my from all that yucky stuff. But, like my fish, I easily forget and squirm... and all the while I'm sure God is thinking, "Lauren, I'm just dumping out your dirty water so you will be happy."

dear you,

These are things that made today so awesome... (there's a lot of things)
*Sleeping in
*Kickin' it in bed until noon writing in the notebook revival, thinking, and having no where that I needed to be or anyone I needed to be talking to.
*Picking my sister up from the airport and being able to talk to her about things. And the best part was... that we both had the same idea about something which is rare. She gave me good advice that I would give myself. Usually we have different opinions about things but I'm so happy we were both thinking the same thing... which just proves more and more that prayer is amazing and real.
*Hiking and seeing the beautiful Pacific Ocean, talking to fun friends, and just doing something I don't get to do everyday.
*Eating super good pizza after hiking. Hmm Yum.
*Talking to a boy when I got back to the church where my car was. I made that sound like I don't talk to boys :) But, ya know... I like talking to this one more than others possibly...
*Delicious mud pie. (man, a lot of this awesomeness is about eating)
*Washing my hair in the shower for so much longer than it needed to be washed. This is one of my favorite things to do... I love it... and I love when people play with my hair. But, not to worry, no one was playing with my hair in the shower besides myself.
*Not caring when my brother decided to be rude and be in a horrible mood. I know who's to blame... and I hope that ends soon because I really would like my wonderful brother back. She sucks all the happiness and silliness right out of him.
*Not worrying that I have absolutely no idea what happened to the two boxes that I have my school things in... and that I start school tomorrow. Eh, I'll find them sooner or later. Hopefully sooner rather than later.
*Reading about Abraham and Sarah. I really like reading about Abraham and Sarah. More Abraham than Sarah though because she was dumb sometimes... like how she got so envious of Hagar and mistreated her. Hagar's my favorite. Well, not my absolute favorite, but she's up there. Anyways, I haven't read Genesis in a while and I like it.
*Last day of Christmas break....

With love,
Lauren