Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge says this and it is what I strive for:

"He loves it when we, gripped with doubt and fear that he will not be enough, turn the gaze of ours souls to him in hope... We can't wait until we feel safe to love and invite. In fact, if you feel a little scared, then you're probably on the right path. Of course it's scary. It's vulnerable. It's naked... He wants us to bear the weight of our lives and all that he has given to us, worked into us, and offer it to our world. To entice, allure, and invite others to Jesus by reflecting his glory in our lives... Women who are stunningly beautiful are women who have had their hearts enlarged by suffering. By saying 'yes' when the world says 'no.' By paying the high price of loving truly and honestly without demanding that they be loved in return."

hello today.

I don't normally write those typical, "Today I..." journals, but I will for the fun of it. Partially because I don't have anything super intellectual to write about (not that I usually do) and partially because I feel like it.

So, today I went to SDSU. I had to pay for school from last semester and I promise you that there could be an easier way to pay tuition. That's all I will say. It made me loathe SDSU. The trendiness, difficulty, and aura made me want to run for it. But, I realized that the school itself isn't so bad and that it might just be me.

For the last few days I've been reading my Bible. I'm picking up where I left off months ago in my quest to read it all in a year. That's actually a really hard goal and it's hard to focus when you have to read so much every day. I felt like I was in a race. Well, unfortunately, instead of slowing down I just stopped. So, I'm starting again without the goal of a year.

When I started the reading plan it was toward the end of the year so I was finishing the last chapters of the New and Old Testament. But, I stopped in the beginning of the year, which was the beginning of the Bible. It amazes me how much is written in Genesis. I seem to have forgetten or maybe not known. Anyways, Jacob just died. Well, that's where I'm at. I've actually been really motivated to read more. It's been really fun. To be honest, I'm not totally familiar with a lot of the Old Testament stories. I sometimes feel stupid when people refer to them because I don't know them. Well, I know the major stories, but I have a lot more to learn. Anyways, Jacob just died and has blessed his sons, which later become the 12 tribes. It's easy to make Joseph my favorite so far... not that I need to be picking favorites. But, Joseph endured and didn't give up and God blessed him... probably more than we'll ever know.

My personal lesson for today is that God is faithful. I know it's simple. But, really, God is faithful. I don't have to worry, I just have to trust Him.

To all my fellow bloggers,

I would have to say that the most annoying thing about changing your layout would be that it deletes your list of blogs that you read. You know, the one where you have to put in all the links? Uh hum, someone from google better get on that! :)

Anyways, today has been a good day... and much better than the terrible day that I wrote that last blog. For all my concerned friends, thanks. I'm fine. And happy. And feeling wonderful. It was one of those days. But, thank you for caring about me!

God makes me smile in the strangest ways... it keeps things fun... well, especially after having one of those bad types of days.

Peace in the middle east. And in the west... whether or not you're a democrat or republican... hehe.

depressing journal venting.

I want to run away- but there just isn't anywhere far enough to go. I want to be free. I've always felt not good enough. I'm lacking... lacking that extra thing that everyone else has seemed to grasp so well. And there is just no where to go- no street to drive, no house to visit, and no place to be at peace. Things go so well and then I see it coming, all crashing toward me. I've never been a good enough friend... always mixing up my priorities and who I should invest in. And my choice in relationships have maybe even left me feeling emptier- not good enough, not understanding enough, not perfect enough. And even with protest from others, their words seeming to reflect right off of me, I still feel like I'm missing a piece. I want to believe that God will fill these empty holes, but I feel hardy worthy of God's grace. The more and more I think about it, the more I feel like these things that I feel will just become burdens for someone else to carry. Everyone else seems to have things figured out while I'm stuck here contemplating my thoughts that make even my own head feel dizzy. I'm the daughter that isn't ever quite what the other is, the friend that is not there when needed, the girlfriend who doesn't understand, and the girl who is just confused... unable to support herself and find the missing pieces that life holds. And so I sit here, wanting to escape it all and not be this person that I am.

Steady Sloth.

I haven't felt inspired to write lately. Usually it's some sort of inspiration that gets me going. But, nope, not lately. It's been the same with photography. I've sort of been burned out with it all. I stopped doing my 365 project... for the sake of having quality photos over quantity. Although, the 365 was a nice way to remember each day. Oh well.

I have been upset all day. I think I've been getting upset easily. I still feel like my anger is legitimate but I'm tired of thinking about it.

I'm ready for God to pull me back up again and give me a little nudge. A little pep talk would be nice right about now. Or a little feeling. You know the kind I'm talking about, that shaky leg-tingly fingers feeling. I can't blame God. It's pretty much been my fault. I've been numb... stuck... and numb... and without feeling like there's anything to move toward. That sounds depressing, right? Um, no, it's not. Maybe I'm just goal-oriented or something. I like having things to work on and I haven't figured out (of the many things) just what I should be working on. Maybe it's that I'm hesitant. Pretty soon I'm going to be a nice little statue of salt.



On another note, two out of three of the closet girls in my life are engaged... and it all happened in the same weekend. I'm happy for them. I'll be getting a long awaited brother-in-law and a best friend with a husband in whom she is madly in love with. It's an interesting thing... all this marriage stuff. It's been the topic of, probably, far too many conversations I've had within the last two weeks. I do want to get married... but I don't want to rush. I want to enjoy every moment of dating before I tie the knot. I make that sound like a dreadful thing, don't I? I just don't want to get too caught up in the whirlwind of wedding planning and engagement parties. I think there is a very fine line between being overly-anxious and very excited for the brides-to-be. I don't want to cross it. Okay, is it that obvious? I'm a little freaked out. Just a little. I mean, getting married is one of the biggest decisions ever, right? Hmmm... my two best friends and I always said that I would be the last to get married. I've been the last in everything... to have a boyfriend, to be kissed, and probably to be married. I'm perfectly okay with that. I'm the youngest out of the three of us (not that it matters too much). But anyways, I'm content with dating Matt and I love him to pieces and I'm sure he feels the same... and that's what matters.
:)
Below (in order) Bride #1
Bride #2
Bride #2 (middle) with future brides #3 and #4...

My hair is dripping wet.
I want to take photography classes... I'm not getting better and I want to be better... like a lot better.
I want to make more necklaces
and move out of my house within the next year.
Grow up.

too busy.

I've been too busy to write. My journal is barren. I hate that it is... I wish it was filled with wonderful words and insights on life. But, it's not. It's barren. I guess I've been preoccupied. You could say that. I mean, it occurred to me that I haven't even had a chance to think any worthy thoughts to write about. It's been a straight line and I'm in need of a little something; a jolt of life up in here. Do you know what I mean? I was really excited last Friday when a guy from church had a vision for me. The vision was about dreams and visions, but he also said something about writing songs. It made me think (yes, I suppose I am doing some thinking). I should pray about what he said. I haven't.
I can't wait for the beach; for the warm sand and the walks to the pier and the sandwiches and the sunshine. I can't wait for Elizabeth to get here; to have amazing conversations and to sing to those songs and to stay up late. I can't wait to finally be excited about school and to be creative and happy. I just can't wait. It's all coming soon though :D You know those plans that God has for me, I'm so excited for all of them; so excited!