depressing journal venting.

I want to run away- but there just isn't anywhere far enough to go. I want to be free. I've always felt not good enough. I'm lacking... lacking that extra thing that everyone else has seemed to grasp so well. And there is just no where to go- no street to drive, no house to visit, and no place to be at peace. Things go so well and then I see it coming, all crashing toward me. I've never been a good enough friend... always mixing up my priorities and who I should invest in. And my choice in relationships have maybe even left me feeling emptier- not good enough, not understanding enough, not perfect enough. And even with protest from others, their words seeming to reflect right off of me, I still feel like I'm missing a piece. I want to believe that God will fill these empty holes, but I feel hardy worthy of God's grace. The more and more I think about it, the more I feel like these things that I feel will just become burdens for someone else to carry. Everyone else seems to have things figured out while I'm stuck here contemplating my thoughts that make even my own head feel dizzy. I'm the daughter that isn't ever quite what the other is, the friend that is not there when needed, the girlfriend who doesn't understand, and the girl who is just confused... unable to support herself and find the missing pieces that life holds. And so I sit here, wanting to escape it all and not be this person that I am.

Steady Sloth.

I haven't felt inspired to write lately. Usually it's some sort of inspiration that gets me going. But, nope, not lately. It's been the same with photography. I've sort of been burned out with it all. I stopped doing my 365 project... for the sake of having quality photos over quantity. Although, the 365 was a nice way to remember each day. Oh well.

I have been upset all day. I think I've been getting upset easily. I still feel like my anger is legitimate but I'm tired of thinking about it.

I'm ready for God to pull me back up again and give me a little nudge. A little pep talk would be nice right about now. Or a little feeling. You know the kind I'm talking about, that shaky leg-tingly fingers feeling. I can't blame God. It's pretty much been my fault. I've been numb... stuck... and numb... and without feeling like there's anything to move toward. That sounds depressing, right? Um, no, it's not. Maybe I'm just goal-oriented or something. I like having things to work on and I haven't figured out (of the many things) just what I should be working on. Maybe it's that I'm hesitant. Pretty soon I'm going to be a nice little statue of salt.



On another note, two out of three of the closet girls in my life are engaged... and it all happened in the same weekend. I'm happy for them. I'll be getting a long awaited brother-in-law and a best friend with a husband in whom she is madly in love with. It's an interesting thing... all this marriage stuff. It's been the topic of, probably, far too many conversations I've had within the last two weeks. I do want to get married... but I don't want to rush. I want to enjoy every moment of dating before I tie the knot. I make that sound like a dreadful thing, don't I? I just don't want to get too caught up in the whirlwind of wedding planning and engagement parties. I think there is a very fine line between being overly-anxious and very excited for the brides-to-be. I don't want to cross it. Okay, is it that obvious? I'm a little freaked out. Just a little. I mean, getting married is one of the biggest decisions ever, right? Hmmm... my two best friends and I always said that I would be the last to get married. I've been the last in everything... to have a boyfriend, to be kissed, and probably to be married. I'm perfectly okay with that. I'm the youngest out of the three of us (not that it matters too much). But anyways, I'm content with dating Matt and I love him to pieces and I'm sure he feels the same... and that's what matters.
:)
Below (in order) Bride #1
Bride #2
Bride #2 (middle) with future brides #3 and #4...

My hair is dripping wet.
I want to take photography classes... I'm not getting better and I want to be better... like a lot better.
I want to make more necklaces
and move out of my house within the next year.
Grow up.

too busy.

I've been too busy to write. My journal is barren. I hate that it is... I wish it was filled with wonderful words and insights on life. But, it's not. It's barren. I guess I've been preoccupied. You could say that. I mean, it occurred to me that I haven't even had a chance to think any worthy thoughts to write about. It's been a straight line and I'm in need of a little something; a jolt of life up in here. Do you know what I mean? I was really excited last Friday when a guy from church had a vision for me. The vision was about dreams and visions, but he also said something about writing songs. It made me think (yes, I suppose I am doing some thinking). I should pray about what he said. I haven't.
I can't wait for the beach; for the warm sand and the walks to the pier and the sandwiches and the sunshine. I can't wait for Elizabeth to get here; to have amazing conversations and to sing to those songs and to stay up late. I can't wait to finally be excited about school and to be creative and happy. I just can't wait. It's all coming soon though :D You know those plans that God has for me, I'm so excited for all of them; so excited!

what would you do?

You see, I have this friend who wants to go to Africa for a missions trip. He sent me a letter asking for money. That's normal. People do that when they are trying to raise money for trips like these. I didn't send him any money for different reasons. First off, I don't have any money. Not like... I spent money on 5 Starbucks over the past 3 days and now I'm broke. I have no money as in I bought gas and a burrito one day and now I'm broke. -.79 cents broke. But, this isn't about me being broke. Anyways, I didn't sent him money because I don't have any. But, I have other reasons too. I don't see this friend of mine too often. He's a nice guy, but we're not close. Once he asked me to go to a concert with him and his friends and he said that they were going to meet us there and they never came. I think it was on purpose. I get tricked into things. That wasn't the first time something like that has happened to me. But, yet again, this is about that. It's about the fact that whenever I see this friend of mine, he is drinking. He is drinking a lot. He spills things on people who end up throwing up later. He is with people who don't know Jesus and who could very well have a problem with alcohol. I know I'm not the judge of anything. I'm really not even saying that he is a bad person. We all do bad things, right? But, I'm not sure if I want to give money to someone for the purpose of spreading the love of Jesus who appears to be living in sin every time I see him. I sin. I do. I sin all the time. And, I work on it. I feel guilty when I sin. I strive toward righteousness. This could be the case for him too; maybe this is what he struggles with. He could be striving. It could be that I catch him in his weakness every time I'm with him. So, what would you do? If you had the money, would you give it to him? Would you say, "Right on, this is a perfect opportunity for you to show who Jesus is to people in Africa?" I don't know if it's what I want to say or if it is what I should be saying. If you can't show the love of God to alcoholics at home... how will you love people in Africa? Or is he showing God's love by getting drunk with non-believers? It's a fine line I think. It may seem like I'm attempting to scold him. I'm not. Instead, I'm questioning his lifestyle because I want him to go to Africa. I want him to represent Jesus. Is he doing this? He questions why he isn't get any funds to go and maybe other people are thinking exactly what I am. But, you know, I know nothing at all... and I say that with sincerity.

Time

There is none. Maybe spring break...
can't wait.
I'm consumed with
365
days
of
pictures.

I was on your porch, the smoke it sank in.

I was looking at pictures of people I used to know. They were my friends or something like that. It's interesting to see how things split apart; people split apart. We go different directions to different places. It all seemed to work out. But, there was a time when I would have panicked at the thought of driving away from a church other than that one, with a boy other than him, with friends that were different than those ones. I thought I had it all figured out. I thought I knew. They thought they knew. That boy will always date that girl. That friend will always be there. We won't ever leave the comfort of our self-righteous clique. We can cover up our wrong-doings and no one will ever know. But the world saw through it. And I wish I would have too. Now things are so perfectly different. It never fit... as hard as I tried; as hard as we all tried. Little did I know, happiness was waiting right around the corner. I'm sure they could say the same, thankfully.