too busy.

I've been too busy to write. My journal is barren. I hate that it is... I wish it was filled with wonderful words and insights on life. But, it's not. It's barren. I guess I've been preoccupied. You could say that. I mean, it occurred to me that I haven't even had a chance to think any worthy thoughts to write about. It's been a straight line and I'm in need of a little something; a jolt of life up in here. Do you know what I mean? I was really excited last Friday when a guy from church had a vision for me. The vision was about dreams and visions, but he also said something about writing songs. It made me think (yes, I suppose I am doing some thinking). I should pray about what he said. I haven't.
I can't wait for the beach; for the warm sand and the walks to the pier and the sandwiches and the sunshine. I can't wait for Elizabeth to get here; to have amazing conversations and to sing to those songs and to stay up late. I can't wait to finally be excited about school and to be creative and happy. I just can't wait. It's all coming soon though :D You know those plans that God has for me, I'm so excited for all of them; so excited!

what would you do?

You see, I have this friend who wants to go to Africa for a missions trip. He sent me a letter asking for money. That's normal. People do that when they are trying to raise money for trips like these. I didn't send him any money for different reasons. First off, I don't have any money. Not like... I spent money on 5 Starbucks over the past 3 days and now I'm broke. I have no money as in I bought gas and a burrito one day and now I'm broke. -.79 cents broke. But, this isn't about me being broke. Anyways, I didn't sent him money because I don't have any. But, I have other reasons too. I don't see this friend of mine too often. He's a nice guy, but we're not close. Once he asked me to go to a concert with him and his friends and he said that they were going to meet us there and they never came. I think it was on purpose. I get tricked into things. That wasn't the first time something like that has happened to me. But, yet again, this is about that. It's about the fact that whenever I see this friend of mine, he is drinking. He is drinking a lot. He spills things on people who end up throwing up later. He is with people who don't know Jesus and who could very well have a problem with alcohol. I know I'm not the judge of anything. I'm really not even saying that he is a bad person. We all do bad things, right? But, I'm not sure if I want to give money to someone for the purpose of spreading the love of Jesus who appears to be living in sin every time I see him. I sin. I do. I sin all the time. And, I work on it. I feel guilty when I sin. I strive toward righteousness. This could be the case for him too; maybe this is what he struggles with. He could be striving. It could be that I catch him in his weakness every time I'm with him. So, what would you do? If you had the money, would you give it to him? Would you say, "Right on, this is a perfect opportunity for you to show who Jesus is to people in Africa?" I don't know if it's what I want to say or if it is what I should be saying. If you can't show the love of God to alcoholics at home... how will you love people in Africa? Or is he showing God's love by getting drunk with non-believers? It's a fine line I think. It may seem like I'm attempting to scold him. I'm not. Instead, I'm questioning his lifestyle because I want him to go to Africa. I want him to represent Jesus. Is he doing this? He questions why he isn't get any funds to go and maybe other people are thinking exactly what I am. But, you know, I know nothing at all... and I say that with sincerity.

Time

There is none. Maybe spring break...
can't wait.
I'm consumed with
365
days
of
pictures.

I was on your porch, the smoke it sank in.

I was looking at pictures of people I used to know. They were my friends or something like that. It's interesting to see how things split apart; people split apart. We go different directions to different places. It all seemed to work out. But, there was a time when I would have panicked at the thought of driving away from a church other than that one, with a boy other than him, with friends that were different than those ones. I thought I had it all figured out. I thought I knew. They thought they knew. That boy will always date that girl. That friend will always be there. We won't ever leave the comfort of our self-righteous clique. We can cover up our wrong-doings and no one will ever know. But the world saw through it. And I wish I would have too. Now things are so perfectly different. It never fit... as hard as I tried; as hard as we all tried. Little did I know, happiness was waiting right around the corner. I'm sure they could say the same, thankfully.

that thing called artsy.

I get these cravings. Oh they are so good; I get inspired to make things and to paint things and to decorate and to cut out paper and to glue it together and make it beautiful. It's a passion. A passion to make things pretty; to make them pretty with beads and color. I wish I was more useful, besides the fact that I can make things beautiful. I could go crazy with it, you know. I have all these insane ideas that I wish I could make into realities. Well, I know that I can make them into realities. It's just a matter of discipline and of time. Both of which I am working on. I work on things, that's for sure. I'm a mess. But, I sure can make myself into a beautiful mess. I mess that has all these ideals and visions of this amazing and artful future but doesn't quite know how to achieve it. That's okay though. It's part of the beauty I assume. Sometimes I wish I had it all planned out, but that would suck the fun out of figuring out what step to take next. Who knows where I will go and what I will do. But, I'm determined to make whatever it is that God has so called me to do glorious. So fabulously and excitingly glorious. I won't sit behind a desk or bend myself into a cookie cutter version of someone else. I'm bound to be creative. To design. To transform. To beautify. And that's just what I will do, whatever that may be. It's a sense of freedom. A sense of letting go. A sense of escape. It's fresh. It's new. It's what I strive for.

Simple happiness.

Daisies are my favorite. Aren't they pretty? They're just so happy. And photoshopped (just because it was dark in my room)... although the real ones are just as wonderful.

And so is the boy who gave them to me.

Someday Thoughts

As I went to open this page for blogger, I saw a title on msn called, "Most Costly Divorce Mistakes." It makes me wonder- it just does. It makes me wonder because half of the American population could read that article and relate. And how sad! I wish that weren't true. But, really, would this world be a better place if those people were married? Would it be that people had more character or integrity or discipline? Would they learn to be in love? Or would it be different? Would it be that more people were abused and more children lived in a place they shouldn't- in a place that was consumed with fights and yelling and disagreements? I'm just not sure. I'm a lucky one I would say. I've been lucky. I only say this because I know that my parents love each other and I know that they took marriage as a serious commitment. That's not to say that not everyone does. Maybe they were just lucky. But, I think it was more than luck. I think it was more than an un-made mistake. But of course I want to see it this way. They're my parents. They're mine and they're my example of love. They have been and will be... even if I choose to do things a little bit different. They did something right along the way. It's a tough conflict that I fight in my head though. The conflict that my ultimate recipe for a successful marriage would be to love God- to live like you love God. I'm not sure if my parents would say the same thing. But, I've never seen them have a hard time with being married to each other. Maybe it's just because they have had a lot of practice. I can only remember little fights... well fights that seem little to me in perspective because I've had far more issues in a past relationship than I've ever seen my parents have. One time my mom threw grape juice at my dad. It stained the walls. It took a lot of paint to cover it up and I know that my dad hates to paint. I don't remember what they fought about though. I just remember that I was always told that I would get to go to grandma's whenever they had little arguments (which wasn't often). I would get so excited but we never went. Maybe that's why they're successful. Or maybe it isn't a matter of success. I tend to think it's a matter of love on different levels. But, ultimately a matter of the love you have for God and how that enables you to love one another. That's what I'm going off of. It seems to be the only thing I've needed so far in my life. I like to think that everything else falls under that simplicity. I do feel a little naive about all of this though. Maybe it's because I haven't been married. And there isn't one solution. And how my parents have made things work might not be the same way I want to make things work someday. Not that they have failed- far from it. I just have this idea in my head. And it's good.