Birthdays

It's funny how you remember birthdays. Well, I remember them. I remember turning five. I think it was five; it may have been four. But, I remember. I had a dress up party and I was allowed to wear the ridiculous looking poofy dress that I loved. I remember my mom helping me with it, but most of all, I remember the shoes. I really wanted to wear these shiny red shoes that didn't match. But, they were shiny and red and that's all that mattered to me. So, I put them on without my mom knowing. And I can remember walking down my front steps when the Tyson's (these sisters) came and my mom looking at me and telling me that my shoes didn't match. But, she laughed. And... then she let me wear them. It was my birthday and I got what I wanted on my birthday. I also remember another birthday when all I really wanted was the pretty cake from Howard's Bakery with a unicorn on it. I guess I thought it was pretty cool. But... it had lemon filling and my mom said that I wouldn't like it. But, she let me get it anyways and I hated it. And then it seems like there were all these other birthdays just mushed in between the red shoes and high school. My fifteenth birthday was memorable, but only because I lost my bra after P.E. class when we had swim. That day, I had a tennis match and was wearing my uniform to school, a tank top which was huge on me. I had to wear my wet bathing suit top underneath. The next year had to be the funniest birthday though. Anna and Elizabeth surprised me by making me breakfast that morning. It was great. I thought it ended there... but it didn't (because they are spectacular friends). They had somehow talked our honors English teacher into tricking me to stay after school to go over an essay I had written. It was all that I could think about. I didn't even care that it was my birthday. I went to his room after school and was shocked when he handed me a paper with my name on it that I hadn't written. It was a horrible essay... all about Animal Farm. And... I had to try to convince him that there was a mistake. And then, after all of this worry and frustration, Elizabeth and Anna came strutting into the classroom with guilty smiles. I was so upset. But, they had good intentions and all they wanted was for me to stay long enough for them to finish 7th period so they could take me to lunch. Now that I think about it, it was a little funny. It was a tough year to say the least. Oh! I almost forgot about how after eating lunch I went to tennis practice only to realize that we were going to run for 2 hours (not so great after eating). It was also Katie McCracken's birthday. Everyone loved Katie... and for good reason... but it topped everything off when the entire team sung happy birthday to her and no one knew it was also my birthday. That sounds so depressing, huh? Well, after that birthday... things have been better... in case you were worried :) We'll see what happens today. Maybe in another few years I will be writing about it. I'm going to make sure it doesn't include losing my bra. And on Saturday, I don't want to make any memories that I will regret. Just because I'm turning twenty-one doesn't mean anything changes. I'm just a day older than yesterday, right?

The adviser who is a psychologist.

Hi. You know what isn't fun? When you have to talk about a really bad week that you had with someone you don't know. Yup, not fun. I just had to do this with my academic mentor and, as I said, it was not fun. At all. But, she was nice at least. But, I also think that she thinks she is a psychologist because she is a high school psychology teacher. Which... sort of sucks for me... if you wanted to know. I described in vague terms why my last Tuesday was pretty horrible (which you can read about below) and why I happened to probably fail a Spanish test and turn a paper in late. It wasn't all about Tuesday though, Monday definately played its part. But, this adviser wasn't so concerned with me failing out of college. She was concerned about my relationship- quite single- relationship status. Which, I don't really want to talk about with a woman I don't know... which is the very reason why I'm not in counseling for it... because I don't need it. But, I had to be Lauren and mention that I'm retarded when it comes to boys and that is why my Tuesday was sort of my Tuesday (besides a lot of other things). And this one sentence I said about being boy-awkward must have set off a big alarm in her psychologist head and so she asks. And, I not so much explain. But, she's nice. She really is. She thinks that her asking may be helping me in some form or another... but quite honestly... I'm not so sure how much more asking I can handle. Why, why, why?! Only so much until a girl goes crazy I must say. It's been more than a month and I think I am driving him crazy... because it's just one thing after another. As much as I want to help it, I need to help it. No more! There will have to be another someone to do these things. Not so much a boy though. No boys for a while. Just friends who are girls. Two tallies under "Things that I wished worked... but in some crazy way didn't." It stops there. There won't be a third... or a forth... or a fifth. This heart is on lock down. Access denied, try again later. Yes, that's just the way it is going to be... because I'm not good with these matters of the heart... and I forget to guard it when it needs to be guarded and I take some things for granted that shouldn't even be touched. So, I wait. Not sure what I'm waiting for... but God's the only one who is going to be getting in... unless someone finds some secret hidden key which won't happen. Of course I didn't tell Miss Adviser this. I can just imagine the analysis. And, I still hear that thing that I've been hearing. I think, at least. Maybe. But, that is just something else... especially since I'm on lock down. I'll wait for a secure premise.

Something new for you to look at.

O is for Overwhelming Emotion. Yes.

I will keep my eyes upon the LORD, feel the warmth and rejoice in his light. I lift my head to his touch and give him all of my heart that is beating for His love. For He knows the plan He has for me, and takes joy in the time that I wait. He is above my worldly desires that are burdens pulling at my entirety. A glimpse of His power will hold me captivated. I search for Him and He has all of me.

mornings, journals, and good things

Life is good. Going from spending the majority of my time with one boy to spending a ton of time with girls is a crazy transition. It’s way too easy to forget how fun girls are. But, I do miss the boy time too. Really though, life changes and God is good to me.

This morning I woke up at 6:30. It felt amazing to hear my alarm go off when it was light outside… unlike when it does at the unreasonable time of 4:15. To make it even better, I didn’t have to drive to the boathouse because it’s “stormy” (not quite) and instead I went to SDSU for practice. I took my sweet time getting ready… I actually put on a little makeup seeing as I wasn’t going to be getting sweaty but instead would be watching people work out. Nice. I made some amazing chai tea in my silver Starbucks cup (which, by the way, is broken) and ate a pop tart on the way. I was feeling pretty wonderful bundled up with two layers of clothes until……. I found out that I would be joining in on the workout that had been planned. Ugh. One of the relay teams for the ergs was short one person and I happened to be one of the few with no truly good excuse for not filling in. [Note: an erg is a horrible and miserable rowing machine that makes me want to pass out and die from lack of oxygen.] So, I did it. I made it out of the workout room alive… a bit shaky and lightheaded and detesting pop tarts and tea… but alive.

On a happier note, I’m starting my alphabet journal today. Brilliant! I have all 26 letters and I get to make a fun trip to buy the journal (I’m thinking moleskine- even though I hate the word moleskine). So here’s the deal. The overall theme is going to be “blessings”. So, each entry will have a blessing that starts with the correlated letter. I know it sounds super corny and sort of like something that you would do in elementary school, but I think it will be really awesome. I’ll have my pictures/ drawings/ artwork to go with each page, some sweet scrapbook paper, and some words. I’m not going to go in order and I will make pages randomly when it applies… I don’t want to have to force myself to think of a lame blessing just because I want it finished. Anyways, I am beyond excited! New projects make me happy!

Things that are good:

- Last night was my first night helping with Junior High Group at church and it was great! Sixth grade girls are so silly and at such a fun age. I’m excited!

- I pretty much did awesome on my Spanish quiz.

- I no longer have ugly metal on my teeth making them straight (also known as braces). Yes!

- New shoes and a new white jacket (much needed)

- Friends that are new too. And much needed.

- Umm. The Office. (A bit sad that a TV show has made it to my good list.)

- Quiet time before practices on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Time with God and no interruptions is the best. Seriously… another easy thing to forget.

- My required mentor for athletics wanting to meet with me before everyone else so I don’t have to wait around forever. Blessing J

- Next week being my last week at work!

Oh there is more to come… just wait… Good things are happening!

Waiting

I’m learning that being patient is not easy. I want to be in fast forward mode and know what is going to happen… because I know something is going to happen. I just wish I knew what it was. But, instead, I get to wait. I get to do normal things on fairly normal days and just wait. If I knew what was going to happen tomorrow and the next day though, I guess it would make things boring, wouldn’t it? So I wait. I’m thinking that God wants to see what I will do while I wait for this something-that-I-don’t-know-about to happen. A big test you could say. Will I pass or fail? I think I will pass. I know that I will because I’ve made that decision… the decision to not just sit here and do nothing while I wait. But still, waiting is hard. Being patient is hard. It seems like to be patient you have to have this belief that everything will work out in the end… because if you didn’t believe that, you would try to do whatever you’re doing another way. So, patience takes trust. But, it’s always hard to trust and to let it all just go. To let the things that are making you worried and the things that are making you frustrated be swept away by your faith that something bigger is happening. It’s just a tough thing that is just so simple to do; to be patient.

I guess you could call this a portfolio. But, I didn't include any drawings... which is perfectly okay with me!

This is the newest. You can't see the shimmer in this picture, but in real life there are sparkles on the splatter and in front of the face. This picture makes it look unfinished... but that's all I've got for you. :DJust a little something for the boyfriend (who is on the right).
I'm holding it hostage until I can put a finish over the paint.


This one is my favorite. It's an idea that I had in my head when I was worshiping.
It's lost forever now in a sea of teacher's work to grade in a class I dropped out of.
It also happens to be the only watercolor I've ever done.


It graces the wall of my sister's office. This one reminds me of barbies, which I happened to really like when I was little. I think it's kid-ish, but I guess it adds a little fun to office-life.


Reese Witherspoon is my favorite actress. I would be her friend if she wasn't famous. Well, maybe not, but I still like her a lot. I actually got a bad grade on this for my art class because it wasn't "partitive" enough. But, screw art teachers. I'm not an art major anymore... but not because of this class.

This is me. Well sort of. This is a self portrait that I had to do. I learned later that for the assignment, I didn't really have to do a picture of myself. I also learned that some people took five minutes and put pieces of paper together. But, I like that I did this. I think other people like it too. I will never hang it on a wall though. I actually get sick of looking at it behind my door. I recently restored it. It took me so long to make but it was worth it. It was also the very first project I did that was on a canvas. :D