short term memory

This is a story about my fish. We're a lot alike- my fish and I. I so badly wish we weren't because fish are mostly stupid. Today I put new water in its bowl and faced the extremely hard task of catching her. She did not want to be taken into the nice plastic container that I planned for her to live in while I made her mansion of a glass bowl clean. Like me, she doesn't like when things change and when she has to swim around in something less than she's used to. But, I caught her... after a lot of hard work. (What I really need is one of those net scooper things.) Well, I washed out her bowl... and all the marbles that she loves. She really does like them. I also dropped a marble down the garbage disposal and had to reach my hand down it and get it back. Disgusting; all for the sake of my fishes happiness. Well, after making everything so nice and pretty for her (and for me), I tried to dump as much water as possible from the plastic container down the drain so her new water would be clean when I put her back in. She didn't like that. She freaked out. But, she is so dumb... because I was just trying to make things better for her. And what I'm really trying to say, which I'm failing terribly at doing, is that I'm like her. I freak out sometimes and squirm around when I don't have my ideal situation. But, I shouldn't... because just around the corner is something awesome... like a big clean bowl for a tiny little fish. Well, I know she's happy now. She's swimming around and staring at herself in the glass and I think she probably has already forgotten how she was so uncomfortable earlier today. But anyways, I'm smarter than a fish and I think that's always important to remember. You're smarter than a fish too. And that means that I shouldn't squirm so much when things don't go how I like. And I should remember just how much God is in control. Because, you know, I'm like God to my fish... and I saved her from dying in mucky water and allowed her to see herself in that shiny glass bowl of hers. And in human terms, God has done that for me. He's allowed me to see myself clearly and he has saved my from all that yucky stuff. But, like my fish, I easily forget and squirm... and all the while I'm sure God is thinking, "Lauren, I'm just dumping out your dirty water so you will be happy."

dear you,

These are things that made today so awesome... (there's a lot of things)
*Sleeping in
*Kickin' it in bed until noon writing in the notebook revival, thinking, and having no where that I needed to be or anyone I needed to be talking to.
*Picking my sister up from the airport and being able to talk to her about things. And the best part was... that we both had the same idea about something which is rare. She gave me good advice that I would give myself. Usually we have different opinions about things but I'm so happy we were both thinking the same thing... which just proves more and more that prayer is amazing and real.
*Hiking and seeing the beautiful Pacific Ocean, talking to fun friends, and just doing something I don't get to do everyday.
*Eating super good pizza after hiking. Hmm Yum.
*Talking to a boy when I got back to the church where my car was. I made that sound like I don't talk to boys :) But, ya know... I like talking to this one more than others possibly...
*Delicious mud pie. (man, a lot of this awesomeness is about eating)
*Washing my hair in the shower for so much longer than it needed to be washed. This is one of my favorite things to do... I love it... and I love when people play with my hair. But, not to worry, no one was playing with my hair in the shower besides myself.
*Not caring when my brother decided to be rude and be in a horrible mood. I know who's to blame... and I hope that ends soon because I really would like my wonderful brother back. She sucks all the happiness and silliness right out of him.
*Not worrying that I have absolutely no idea what happened to the two boxes that I have my school things in... and that I start school tomorrow. Eh, I'll find them sooner or later. Hopefully sooner rather than later.
*Reading about Abraham and Sarah. I really like reading about Abraham and Sarah. More Abraham than Sarah though because she was dumb sometimes... like how she got so envious of Hagar and mistreated her. Hagar's my favorite. Well, not my absolute favorite, but she's up there. Anyways, I haven't read Genesis in a while and I like it.
*Last day of Christmas break....

With love,
Lauren

possible impossiblity

That's it. It just can't be good for a girl... those stupid chick flicks. I don't know what sort of secret messages Hollywood is mixing into those movies, but it just can't be healthy. I have a love-hate sort of relationship with them... that fake ideal that every girl wants but I don't think ever really gets (and if she did get it would probably be miserably unhappy). I'm not cynical. I'm just sure that reality is better in the end. Grrr. But, I'm still a sucker... and I still watch them... even though I know they do this crazy thing to my head and maybe my heart. But... Hollywood is just so good at it. The moral of the story is that whatever love story I'm the star in will be far better than Hollywood can produce.

My friends are great and I love them. Haha- I sound like I'm in middle school. But, sometimes that's okay.

sweet nothings

I love that term by the way. Sweet nothings.
Everything inside of me wants to play the I wish game. But, that's only allowed with my two favorite girls.
Sleep is good. Naps are not. Sometimes.
I want. Maybe I can play the I want game.
Or the I can game.
Both are good.

I can wins.(this is the god effect. in case you wanted to know. that light thing with the clouds- it's called the god effect. I wrote about it in my alphabet journal and if I like you I might let you read about it.)

I can learn to fly an airplane if I want. Alpha, Bravo, Charlie, Delta...
I can write letters to people I love.
I can sing.
I can miss work tomorrow.
I can be a good big sister.
I can be a good little sister.
I can love Jesus with everything in me.
I can let it go.
I can get straight a's.
I can say no.
I can play the piano.
I can learn more.
I can read more.
I can talk less.
I can talk more.
I can forgive that person.
I can dance in front of a lot of people.
I can lead.
I can say what I think.
I can be more diligent.
I can stand up to that person.
I can tell them it's not a joke.
I can tell my sister that she can always be the center of attention if that's what she needs.
I can graduate college.
I can move out.
I can drive across the country.
I can watch the sunrise tomorrow morning.
I can pray more and talk less.
I can be on time.
I can wait.
I can be patient.
I can love.
I can speak the truth.
I can be bold.
I can have my own company.
I can love what I do.
I can be successful.
I can write the book I want to write.
I can bake cupcakes all day if I want.
I can relax.
I can show my heart.
I can listen to what people say.
I can have passion.
I can have drive.
I can paint what I see.
I can be a risk taker.
I can walk the fine line.
I can be less prudish.
And more loving.
I can tell my dad that I'm so happy he loves me.
I can tell my mom that I loved that she packed lunches for me my entire life.
I can smile more.
I can be the woman that I want to become.
I can desire righteousness.
I can be made fun of.
I can leap more.
I can spin in circles and giggle.
I can be faithful.
I can admit when I'm wrong.
I can be independent.
I can quit things and start new things.
I can travel.
I can decorate my own house.
I can picture it all.
I can frame the photos I love.
I can write on the walls.
I can have more fun.
I can be free.
I can go on and on.

maybe too personal

I just finished my first business card. I mean, the first one I've done all on my own. woo hoo! Thanks to Kyle for the program and Matt for basically setting up the first one for me. I'm hoping I did everything right and it won't have to be changed a ton when it gets sent to be printed.

Sometimes I think I'm too patient. Maybe patient is not the right word. I think being patient is a good thing... who wants to be one of those people who flip out when they have to wait for something? Like the people you see at Starbucks who tap their foot because they have to wait two minutes for their mocha? Well, I guess I'm not talking about that sort of patience. I'm talking about long term, just live your life, don't worry about it, it will happen when it does patience. You know that kind? I have to wait to graduate, wait to get a job that I love, wait to move out, wait to know who I'll marry and it goes on. I say wait to know my husband because I'm fighting against becoming one of those typical girls who unknowingly can't wait to fall in love; the type that think being married is a solution. Well, I'm really not going to become one of them. The majority of me thinks that I'm young, that I have an entire lifetime to do those things- the moving out and working and graduating and being in love things. But, there is still a bit of me that screams that it's been long enough... that I'm too patient... that I let people walk all over me... that I'm not ambitious enough. And it might just be that I need a combination of both- of ambition and patience. I'm still working on figuring that out. But you know, there is always something to figure out. That's life I think. It would be totally boring if we had everything figured out. But, it shouldn't stop us from getting what we really want. And this makes me question a lot that happens. Of course things seem so much sweeter when you wait to have them. If we got everything we wanted when we wanted it, what joy would that be? But, it's the confidence that things will be right eventually that makes me hopeful. And, I'm positive that they will be perfect. That's faith... being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. But, you know... I'm not really sure of where I'm going with this. I don't have a big conclusion. Just that I shouldn't worry so much; that I should rely on God with more confidence... and that I shouldn't be so patiently blinded by the reality of some things. The reality that if someone really wanted something they would go after it; knowing there will always be something more to figure out. But maybe I'm all wrong and time makes things better and wiser. Or that the best way to get what you really want is to give it time. I'm just not sure.

more lipgloss and eyeliner

It all starts off so innocently. "You aren't doing anything wrong, We're just having fun, Doesn't it feel good to have guys want you?, Flirt with him and he'll buy you a drink." But before you know it, you're hearing slurred words proclaim that you're beautiful and requests to be touched all over. And that's not the way I roll. What I'm trying to say is that it's a sly game. No, I wasn't directly doing anything wrong. If I was with Elizabeth it would have been fine. If it was Anna it would have been okay. But, I wasn't with them. I was sending a message that what was going on around me wasn't wrong; that it was normal; that it was fun. But, it's so temporary. Sure, it may be flattering and it may be exciting. But, it's empty. So empty. And it isn't what I want. It isn't what anyone really wants. I don't have a void. I don't need boys to try to dance with me. I don't need to give out fake phone numbers to feel satisfied. I don't need another vodka cran. I don't need to be grabbed and I don't need to seek for something that I already have. It's deeper than they think. It's playing on them and they don't even know. It's just another picture for the scrapbook. It's just another story to tell. But, they're missing it all. I am not them and they need to know. Because, what I have they want.

You are the light of the world. A city on a hill can not be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead, they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house.
Matthew 5:14-15

change. I want to shine and I will.

timing.

exhausted. me, I am exhausted.

I had starbucks this afternoon... like the other millions of Americans out there. But, it wasn't the drink I enjoyed so much but the random guy that started talking to me. He was old and friendly and normally I would just giggle and sort of walk away... because I would have thought talking to a man in starbucks I don't know is weird. But, he was so nice. He started talking about the weather. It's funny how the weather can bring about conversations. But, I can almost say it was the best part of my day. I was tired and thinking about how sometimes I can be so passionate about God and at other times feel sustained but not so alive. And this man was a blessing. He really was. I just stood there thinking that God must have sent him. I mean, he didn't say anything spectacular. He told me that he was saved in a Baptist youth group in Colorado when he was young. He also said that he didn't ski but ice fished. Well, somehow I said that God gives us power. It fit in our conversation somewhere... and He encouraged me to remember that. He told me that I was vulnerable right now because I just came from camp (which scared me a little) and to stay strong. I guess it was what I needed. I can't explain more than that. But, it was what I was searching for I assume and God just handed it to me. I will guiltily admit that I was bummed that I hadn't heard God as much as I wanted to at camp... but I was there for girls and God used me. It's hard to see sometimes I think- when God uses you. But, I am so thankful for camp and that I was able to speak truth to girls who need it. And God gave me what I needed when I got home.

Well, I've fallen behind on the bible in a year plan. I'm catching up though... not to worry. I'm sure you were worried :) But, it just occurred to me how the devil is oh so sly. Stupid devil. I hate you. I was reading Malachi about how God will always out-give us. I picture God just standing there with his hands on his hips with an enormous smile saying, "Test me in this and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have room for it." And then He laughs... because it must be a fun game for Him. Like... helllllo.... haha.... you can't give me as much as I give you. Want to play again?!" And this is why I love God so much.

But, back to why the devil is so stupid. While I'm reading this and thoroughly enjoying this role play in my head... mr. ex-boyfriend #1 decides to call me... and he's not sober... and casually mentioned something I just didn't want to hear. I just thought... it's from the devil. I know what you're thinking... how is that from the devil? Hearing something you don't want to hear? Well, let me just tell you... that my precious and fun God time was interrupted with this stupid distraction. And can I just say that God didn't like that? But, I have good news... the devil was pretty much just slammed. Wham! I wish there was scripture that said, "God told the devil, 'Umm... I don't think so. Who do you think you are?! Yeah, that's right. You lose again."

Man, I don't know what's happened to me. It must be the lack of sleep.