strange

I was on a mission tonight to make my blog look pretty. I'm failing... I think I am going to have to make my own template. Seriously. All of these blogger people are either obsessed with anime, completely emo, in love, or in love with emo love. This is true. I just like to write. I don't like anime... especially when I learned about yucky anime things, I'm not in love, and I'm not emo. What is a girl to do?

I was in the middle of studying for Spanish. This is what I want to be doing right now. I need to study for this vocabulary quiz. But, I just can't concentrate. I'm in study hall... I'm not even at home. I'm away from all of my normal distractions. But, I felt like God wanted me to stop and to read his word. I've learned that when I hear these funny thoughts in my head that I need to listen to them. So, I've stopped. I put down my flashcards and opened biblegateway, which is silly because I have a Bible with me right now. But, I just did. And, I didn't know what to read. I hate when people say that they just opened there Bibles and read whatever was randomly in front of them... I just don't think it's the best way to do it. But, in this circumstance, I opened the webpage and blam: verse of the day. My mind is going in circles right now. I have all these mixed emotions about everything that is happening in my life. Most of all, I feel like I've been selfish. I want to talk to who I want to talk to because I think that it will help me. And, I want to say that it's not fair because it will help me. Really, I don't want to be selfish. I'm am so sick of thinking about me. It is discusting. And, I have this opportunity to be so happy for these other people. So happy. And, I am. But, deep down, I'm hurting. And, I feel like this is foolish because it brings the focus back to me hurting. All ridiculous. It has just been one of those things that I know is really not me, I'm not this type of person. So, anyways, I read the chapter that the verse was in: Ephesians 2. And, some things just hit home.



For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— 9not by works, so that no one can boast. 10For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.



I can't boast. I can't say that this is not fair and that God should be blessing me too because I've been searching so very hard. It is fair. God prepared me to do works to glorify him. And, thinking about myself isn't going to make anything better. If God prepared these works for me to do, which I feel like I'm doing, then He also has a time for me to be blessed as well. He prepared everything in advance. He prepared this life for me ahead of time. It isn't a last minute decision that He has made for me. It's been crafted by Him. And, so how could I think of myself? How could I think about the things I have done to make my life the way it is? I just can't because God has planned this little life of mine. I need to be happy for this.

More Please.

I've been told that it is a gift, this discontentment that I have. It goes against what I want. What I really want is to be satisfied with where I'm at. This would make me happy I think. But, apparently there is something in me that won't allow that to happen... and it's a gift. I have this constant longing for more of God. I feel like I can't ever reach that point of having enough of Him. I've questioned from the time of my very first experiences with God if I was really getting it. When I was younger, I felt like there should be more to it. That maybe I should feel a certain way or I should experience some sort of sign from heaven telling me that what I have is real. These things have not come but I still know that what I have is real. What I have is God. But, just recently, it was prophesied that I have this gift of wanting more... I'm not even sure what to call it. And, as much as I want to be happy that I have it, it frustrates me. I've always thought everyone felt this way; that everyone really wanted more of God. Come on, it's God! Who wouldn't want more of Him, right? And maybe this is true. I'm just not sure. I never had one of those big, memorable moments though that so many people talk about. That moment when they realize that they need to turn to God and they give their life to Him. I've given my life to Him, don't get me wrong. I've given it to Him over and over again. But, as far as I can remember, I've always been a Christian. I've felt God's spirit come over me and know when something is from Him. But, I still want more. I feel like I haven't had enough. I didn't grow up in church. Some people are curious about this, how I could be a Christian from as far back as I remember, but I didn't go to church. I wish I would have. It's my hearts desire. It really is. I feel like I'm just now experiencing what it is like to be a part of a church and it's good. So good. Sometimes I wonder how much closer I would be to God if my family would have gone to church when I was young. Most of the things that I learned about God were because of my own curiosity, from camps, or friends' churches. I'm still learning a lot. Maybe this gift of wanting more is really a gift because otherwise I wouldn't have discovered who God is. But, now that I know Him, I would like for just a second to feel like I am completely filled with everything He has to give me. But, I know that this isn't part of the gift. He wants me to want more. And so I do. I'm not sad about it. When this gift was confirmed, I was also told that I have so much more to experience. I know I do. But, I would really like to experience it right now. I've been trying so hard to get more of God; to be closer and to know his Word and His truth. I'm not discouraged. I've just been trying and constantly pursuing. This is the walk. This is my life with God. I feel like I'm playing tag and just can't run quite fast enough... but at the same time, I have Him. I have God. And I have this gift... and that's just what it is. A gift.

Funerals.

I think they should give people some kind of warning. A nice little note at the bottom of the program saying there will be an open casket. I don't think people are ever quite prepared to look at a dead body. I don't mean to be insensitive. I'm really sensitive. Hence, the reason there should be a note. I just sat there and I tried not to look. But, he was in front of everyone and white. And, I felt nauseous. I really did. I kept thinking about how horrible it would be for me to stand up and walk out. But, of course I couldn't do that. I just sat there and I stared at the snap dragons that were in one of the arrangements. I thought about how I used to play tennis at Singing Hills when I was little and how my mom would "snap" the flower for me. I liked that. I didn't even listen to the service. I thought that I was going to pass out. I really didn't think I would react in that way. I'd been to one of these types of funerals before. But, something in me just couldn't handle it. Just couldn't handle seeing this man, who looks nothing like the man I knew, laying blank in a casket. I have no idea what the pastor said... except for Psalm 23. When I die, I don't want an open casket. I don't want some solemn procession. As cliche as it is, I want a happy funeral. One where everyone thinks, "Heck yes! Lauren is having a party in heaven right now." Because that's the way it will be for me. I'll be having a party in heaven. Seriously, I want there to be cake and balloons and praise music. Not the beach boys, no. But, praise music. Happy praising. And people can cry. That's ok. But, I don't want them to be really so sad because I'll be rocking up in heaven with Jesus. And so funerals make you think of these things. I don't like being morbid. But, really, this is the way I would want it to be; a party.

A friend loves at all times... Proverbs 17:17

I talked to my best friend twice yesterday. This rarely happens... but when it does it makes me smile. I miss her. She's that person for me. That girl that I can say two words to and she knows exactly how I feel. I think we just get each other. We're on the same wavelength. I don't think very many people have that. It makes me feel really lucky. I actually have two of those girls. Two! I've been thinking about friendships a lot lately. Maybe this is because I have been blessed with friends the last few months... something I've been praying about since I started college. But, really, it's crazy how dynamics of friendships change over time and how true friends stay connected. I think there will always be something in life that makes it hard to be friends with someone. (I'm not saying it's hard to be friends with people). I think that at this point in my life, boys make friendships more complicated. I don't mean that boys are a bad thing... I'm not a crazy feminist... I love boys. Don't get me wrong. But, I feel like they are one of the components that change the dynamics of friendships. They cause this jealous sort of tension between girls. Not jealous as in two girls wanting to date the same boy. Jealous as in one girl dating a boy and the friend feeling cheated on time with the newly committed girl. And... it seems the girl always chooses time with the boy. And, really, I think that's the way it should be... at this college-I-want-a-serious-boyfriend stage of life. Things change between friendships because priorities are different. And, that's ok. But, it's always happening. It seems to be starting right now... and I'm not sure if it ever stops. For example, first there is the single vs. not single difference, then maybe the married vs. unmarried difference, next the kids vs. no kids difference... and I think it just goes on and on. And, I've realized that even if my friends and I aren't going through the same things at the same time, we are still going to be friends. This is just the way we are. I say this because it has been tested. And we're still friends. And, this is how I think you know who is your lifelong friend and who is not. Then, there are those other friends, that are great friends... but they may not last through all the different changes. But, those friends are important too. I think that they come and go... and sometimes you find a special one that you realize you want to make the effort to stay connected with. And then, there is that transition. I know I'm making this friendship thing more complicated than it should be. But, I like the dynamics. And really, I think we should just embrace whatever stage we are in with people. Did I say that I am blessed? Because I am! God knows this entire friend business and I'm glad that He does. He's good like that.

30 Days, not 300 or 3, but 30.

That's right. 30 entire days. 30 days of being worked on and 30 days to grow. Hard. Rewarding. Thirty. I can't write in sentences. I have a problem with this. I have fallen in love with periods. I am also a very bad secret-keeper. But, I love surprises. Sometimes I think about them a lot. I think... wouldn't it be so cool if someone decided to be spontaneous and surprise me... or something amazing happened that I didn't know was going to happen. But, I think this is the romantically minded part of me that I sometimes hate a lot. But, back to thirty. Apparently thirty days is biblical. I only found it once though in the Bible. Maybe I didn't search hard enough. But, it doesn't really matter how many days it is... just that I have a set number. A goal... which I'm hesitant to call a goal... because it will be accomplished. It's like when you're fasting; you don't say it's a goal for me not to eat today. You just do it. So, I will just do the 30 days. Anna says it's like Nike. Just do it. You know what I also love that I just realized? I love that no one will understand this blog. Well, except for the chosen ones. Haha. The chosen ones. Hmm. You know what else I realized that just came out when I was praying... and I was thinking... shoot! Did I just say that? That was SO not my idea. God's idea, yes! I was talking aloud and "Wham"... The reward at the end of the 30 days won't be getting what I want again (that I didn't have for 30 days), but it will be that I am going to be so much closer to God when it's over. God basically just changed my motives without me knowing and it made me giggle a little bit... because He does this. Speaking of giggling, I have been giggly all day long. Even by myself. I just can't help it. I don't know what's gotten into me! I was driving... listening to music... and all of a sudden I just burst into laughter. It wasn't even a funny song. But, to me... it was a little. It was a dumb song that I heard a million times before and I was just thinking... who in the world sings about such dumb things. And... then it just came over me... and I couldn't stop. At home fellowship I had to control myself because I just wanted to giggle. For no reason, really. And on the way home, I wasn't listening to anything and I just kept laughing. It's funny. Seriously. I can't write seriously and laugh at the same time... but I just did. And I really don't know what it is. Well, 30 days. I'm actually on day 2. I thought it was day 3... but no. Day 2. I will have to live day 3 over again tomorrow... because I missed 2. haha. And here comes the giggles again. Oh my. How will I sleep?! The 30 days end on the 13th. Wait- would that make it day 3? Who cares. I end on the 13th. This is also when I go to the dentist. I'm getting glamor shots at the dentist... who would have guessed? All that modeling payed off.... oh my. Anna, if you read this, you'll know what I'm thinking. Fred. Okay, enough rambling. 30 days here I come. Well, 28 or 27 or something. No, here I come is not the right mindset. Well, a little. It's more like a break. A relief. A peace. It may not stay this way because it will be tough. I'm not prepared. But, I never will be. So 30, 28, 27 I'm here and that's what God said.
Giggles.

Birthdays

It's funny how you remember birthdays. Well, I remember them. I remember turning five. I think it was five; it may have been four. But, I remember. I had a dress up party and I was allowed to wear the ridiculous looking poofy dress that I loved. I remember my mom helping me with it, but most of all, I remember the shoes. I really wanted to wear these shiny red shoes that didn't match. But, they were shiny and red and that's all that mattered to me. So, I put them on without my mom knowing. And I can remember walking down my front steps when the Tyson's (these sisters) came and my mom looking at me and telling me that my shoes didn't match. But, she laughed. And... then she let me wear them. It was my birthday and I got what I wanted on my birthday. I also remember another birthday when all I really wanted was the pretty cake from Howard's Bakery with a unicorn on it. I guess I thought it was pretty cool. But... it had lemon filling and my mom said that I wouldn't like it. But, she let me get it anyways and I hated it. And then it seems like there were all these other birthdays just mushed in between the red shoes and high school. My fifteenth birthday was memorable, but only because I lost my bra after P.E. class when we had swim. That day, I had a tennis match and was wearing my uniform to school, a tank top which was huge on me. I had to wear my wet bathing suit top underneath. The next year had to be the funniest birthday though. Anna and Elizabeth surprised me by making me breakfast that morning. It was great. I thought it ended there... but it didn't (because they are spectacular friends). They had somehow talked our honors English teacher into tricking me to stay after school to go over an essay I had written. It was all that I could think about. I didn't even care that it was my birthday. I went to his room after school and was shocked when he handed me a paper with my name on it that I hadn't written. It was a horrible essay... all about Animal Farm. And... I had to try to convince him that there was a mistake. And then, after all of this worry and frustration, Elizabeth and Anna came strutting into the classroom with guilty smiles. I was so upset. But, they had good intentions and all they wanted was for me to stay long enough for them to finish 7th period so they could take me to lunch. Now that I think about it, it was a little funny. It was a tough year to say the least. Oh! I almost forgot about how after eating lunch I went to tennis practice only to realize that we were going to run for 2 hours (not so great after eating). It was also Katie McCracken's birthday. Everyone loved Katie... and for good reason... but it topped everything off when the entire team sung happy birthday to her and no one knew it was also my birthday. That sounds so depressing, huh? Well, after that birthday... things have been better... in case you were worried :) We'll see what happens today. Maybe in another few years I will be writing about it. I'm going to make sure it doesn't include losing my bra. And on Saturday, I don't want to make any memories that I will regret. Just because I'm turning twenty-one doesn't mean anything changes. I'm just a day older than yesterday, right?

The adviser who is a psychologist.

Hi. You know what isn't fun? When you have to talk about a really bad week that you had with someone you don't know. Yup, not fun. I just had to do this with my academic mentor and, as I said, it was not fun. At all. But, she was nice at least. But, I also think that she thinks she is a psychologist because she is a high school psychology teacher. Which... sort of sucks for me... if you wanted to know. I described in vague terms why my last Tuesday was pretty horrible (which you can read about below) and why I happened to probably fail a Spanish test and turn a paper in late. It wasn't all about Tuesday though, Monday definately played its part. But, this adviser wasn't so concerned with me failing out of college. She was concerned about my relationship- quite single- relationship status. Which, I don't really want to talk about with a woman I don't know... which is the very reason why I'm not in counseling for it... because I don't need it. But, I had to be Lauren and mention that I'm retarded when it comes to boys and that is why my Tuesday was sort of my Tuesday (besides a lot of other things). And this one sentence I said about being boy-awkward must have set off a big alarm in her psychologist head and so she asks. And, I not so much explain. But, she's nice. She really is. She thinks that her asking may be helping me in some form or another... but quite honestly... I'm not so sure how much more asking I can handle. Why, why, why?! Only so much until a girl goes crazy I must say. It's been more than a month and I think I am driving him crazy... because it's just one thing after another. As much as I want to help it, I need to help it. No more! There will have to be another someone to do these things. Not so much a boy though. No boys for a while. Just friends who are girls. Two tallies under "Things that I wished worked... but in some crazy way didn't." It stops there. There won't be a third... or a forth... or a fifth. This heart is on lock down. Access denied, try again later. Yes, that's just the way it is going to be... because I'm not good with these matters of the heart... and I forget to guard it when it needs to be guarded and I take some things for granted that shouldn't even be touched. So, I wait. Not sure what I'm waiting for... but God's the only one who is going to be getting in... unless someone finds some secret hidden key which won't happen. Of course I didn't tell Miss Adviser this. I can just imagine the analysis. And, I still hear that thing that I've been hearing. I think, at least. Maybe. But, that is just something else... especially since I'm on lock down. I'll wait for a secure premise.

Something new for you to look at.