Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge says this and it is what I strive for:

"He loves it when we, gripped with doubt and fear that he will not be enough, turn the gaze of ours souls to him in hope... We can't wait until we feel safe to love and invite. In fact, if you feel a little scared, then you're probably on the right path. Of course it's scary. It's vulnerable. It's naked... He wants us to bear the weight of our lives and all that he has given to us, worked into us, and offer it to our world. To entice, allure, and invite others to Jesus by reflecting his glory in our lives... Women who are stunningly beautiful are women who have had their hearts enlarged by suffering. By saying 'yes' when the world says 'no.' By paying the high price of loving truly and honestly without demanding that they be loved in return."

hello today.

I don't normally write those typical, "Today I..." journals, but I will for the fun of it. Partially because I don't have anything super intellectual to write about (not that I usually do) and partially because I feel like it.

So, today I went to SDSU. I had to pay for school from last semester and I promise you that there could be an easier way to pay tuition. That's all I will say. It made me loathe SDSU. The trendiness, difficulty, and aura made me want to run for it. But, I realized that the school itself isn't so bad and that it might just be me.

For the last few days I've been reading my Bible. I'm picking up where I left off months ago in my quest to read it all in a year. That's actually a really hard goal and it's hard to focus when you have to read so much every day. I felt like I was in a race. Well, unfortunately, instead of slowing down I just stopped. So, I'm starting again without the goal of a year.

When I started the reading plan it was toward the end of the year so I was finishing the last chapters of the New and Old Testament. But, I stopped in the beginning of the year, which was the beginning of the Bible. It amazes me how much is written in Genesis. I seem to have forgetten or maybe not known. Anyways, Jacob just died. Well, that's where I'm at. I've actually been really motivated to read more. It's been really fun. To be honest, I'm not totally familiar with a lot of the Old Testament stories. I sometimes feel stupid when people refer to them because I don't know them. Well, I know the major stories, but I have a lot more to learn. Anyways, Jacob just died and has blessed his sons, which later become the 12 tribes. It's easy to make Joseph my favorite so far... not that I need to be picking favorites. But, Joseph endured and didn't give up and God blessed him... probably more than we'll ever know.

My personal lesson for today is that God is faithful. I know it's simple. But, really, God is faithful. I don't have to worry, I just have to trust Him.

To all my fellow bloggers,

I would have to say that the most annoying thing about changing your layout would be that it deletes your list of blogs that you read. You know, the one where you have to put in all the links? Uh hum, someone from google better get on that! :)

Anyways, today has been a good day... and much better than the terrible day that I wrote that last blog. For all my concerned friends, thanks. I'm fine. And happy. And feeling wonderful. It was one of those days. But, thank you for caring about me!

God makes me smile in the strangest ways... it keeps things fun... well, especially after having one of those bad types of days.

Peace in the middle east. And in the west... whether or not you're a democrat or republican... hehe.

depressing journal venting.

I want to run away- but there just isn't anywhere far enough to go. I want to be free. I've always felt not good enough. I'm lacking... lacking that extra thing that everyone else has seemed to grasp so well. And there is just no where to go- no street to drive, no house to visit, and no place to be at peace. Things go so well and then I see it coming, all crashing toward me. I've never been a good enough friend... always mixing up my priorities and who I should invest in. And my choice in relationships have maybe even left me feeling emptier- not good enough, not understanding enough, not perfect enough. And even with protest from others, their words seeming to reflect right off of me, I still feel like I'm missing a piece. I want to believe that God will fill these empty holes, but I feel hardy worthy of God's grace. The more and more I think about it, the more I feel like these things that I feel will just become burdens for someone else to carry. Everyone else seems to have things figured out while I'm stuck here contemplating my thoughts that make even my own head feel dizzy. I'm the daughter that isn't ever quite what the other is, the friend that is not there when needed, the girlfriend who doesn't understand, and the girl who is just confused... unable to support herself and find the missing pieces that life holds. And so I sit here, wanting to escape it all and not be this person that I am.